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Cheating does not have to be having with someone other than your spouse, but rather cheating your spouse out of something.
My name is Leonidas. I am, I am, I think I am sixtysomething years old. Shit, I am so fucking drunk. I’m sprawled out on my outdoor recliner; I just finished my eighth Corona. I am sweating it out of this old body on my monster deck, clouds overhead. It is windy and humid. I grab my ninth Corona and rip the cap off again with my right hand. This time, I now penetrate the bottle head with a whole lime. I just about do it, and it starts overflowing. I quickly put it to my lips to avoid losing a drop. I am thinking about the day before my wedding. I was scared for the first time, but my shield and sword were glowing and happy for me. Damn, I need sunglasses.
Reclining, I am starting to drift off to sleep with my Corona in my hand. Rain is beginning to sprinkle, and it feels like Tina with twenty hands tingling my body. Oh, so fucking good. I wonder if she felt my strong embrace whenever she wore my unique Harley Davidson Tshirt. The one I wore that night of the bachelor party. Was she smelling my cologne if it was still on it? I can smell her perfume, forever embedded in a piece of my heart, next to Ellie the MIF, remember? I removed the L not needed.
I fall asleep dreaming back about a long bike run on a sweltering night with my biker buddies. We all stopped to gas up and eat at the twentyfourhour Burger King next door. There was a big commotion about where to go next. Finally, we all pumped our fists in the air, yelling, “Strip Club!” We all knew where to go. We were friends with the owners, and the girls loved us. Desires was the place to go. We made it in time, an hour before closing. After a few rounds of drinks, we were halflit again.
John Pig yelled to the owner, Stevie, “Plastic wrap party!”
Stevie, the owner, knew exactly what to do. He brought out a large roll of plastic wrap and a small microwave oven. We waited for the customers to leave; it was just us guys and the girls in the back changing room.
Stevie grabbed the mic and yelled, “Girls, anyone for a plastic wrap party?”
Four girls came running out in just their thongs. They all bent over the table and dropped their GStrings.
John Pig ripped a piece of plastic wrap off the roll and put it in the microwave for ten seconds. He pulled out the wrap and draped it over the first girl’s ass, conforming it over her pussy. He did the same for the other three girls. They loved the heat and wiggled their asses.
“Me first,” one girl yelled.
John Pig grabbed a chair and sat behind her. John spread her cheeks, buried his face in her ass, and started licking her pussy. She was giggling and laughing and moaning. She loved it, and the same was true for the other girls.
One girl came running out from the back, yelling, “Please, please, please, me too!” He happily obliged!
God, that was fucking awesome, the shit we used to do back then. The guys were nuts; I, on the other hand, enjoyed watching their craziness. I was the passionate guy ninetyfive percent of the time.
I then wake up, wondering where the hell I am.
Can you imagine if we had cell phones like we do today, it would be fucking awesome! We have all those pictures and videos, as well as live streaming!
REMINISCING ABOUT MY WEDDING DAY:
Dad and Stéphanos were ready. In their tuxes, they looked like two Spartan studs. I was in the bathroom fixing my collar and bowtie.
I heard a big commotion, “Oh shit, what the fuck is going on?” I thought.
I stepped out of the bathroom. Oh shit, it was Dominic Durante and his wife. My dad’s longtime friend from their old street corner. Same last name as Jimmy, the actor, and a big nose, too. He was like a Dapper Dan, “a welldressed man.” They were doing shots of the Greek Seven Star Metaxa.
Dominic said, “Sit down, have one.” I did.
Metaxa goes down smoothly, but seconds later, the volcano erupts.
I told Dad, “Easy on that stuff.”
Dominic said, “We’re driving your parents, and my wife is riding shotgun.”
He poured me another, and I said, “That’s it. The priest will smell it.”
All the groomsmen came to my house. Christos’s son, George, was my best man.
THE CHURCH:
When we arrived at the Greek Orthodox Church, my motherinlawtobe fixed our silver tray. It had our wedding wreaths (stefana), sugar almonds (koufetes), wedding rings, rose petals, and rice on it. The two big candles lay next to it. She had her box of Kleenex with her and two cases in the pew. God, I hope there are enough Kleenex. The groomsmen sat everyone; the church was packed. They are ready.
I handed Stéphanos my Shield and Spear. I told him, “You can’t keep it.”
He said, “Fuck.”
I told him, “Easy, my baby brother, you’re in church.”
The groomsmen walked down with the bridesmaids. Adoni had Athena in his arm; he still had a shiteating grin from the bachelor party a month ago. She was glowing and had beautiful cleavage to her Babylon Valley.
The organist started, “Here Comes The Bride”. I stepped down, and Adoni kissed me on both cheeks and gave me her hand. We stepped up to the priest in front of the altar table. To keep it short, George held the crowns on our heads, and we held our large candles. We had to go around the table three times to sanctify the marriage.
I glanced at now my motherinlaw; one case was gone. Tissue was everywhere. The priest explained the sanctity of marriage, and then you may kiss your bride.
The church erupted in cheers and chanted, “Sparta, Sparta, Sparta, the Spartan Leonidas iss now taken.” We walked out, and everyone showered us both with rice.
We visited Allendale Park for pictures; it had a beautiful bridge, rolling grasses, flowers, and trees. The champagne was popping.
We had to get to the reception; oh God, there were 350 fucking people waiting. My Italian cousin Anthony was the director of the UCT hall. The place holds 500 people and has a huge bar, so we are going to need it!
Italian Goombah Vinny Juliano was the chef; he made the best Italian pasta sauce from Federal Hill. His wife Joni handled the serving staff; she was the best. I hope the cake was delivered, and there should be six eightfoot tables full of Greek and Italian pastry. Is that enough?
I was thinking, “What am I going to drink?”
I don’t want to have Coronas. I don’t want to pee all night because I’m not sweating it like on the monster deck.
“Hmm, Old Faithful, Absolute with sevenup and a twist of lime, bingo.” I thought.
What else, ahh oh shit, the Greek band, they are coming from Boston. Was there traffic? Did they have good directions? No fucking GPS yet, not even thought of.
THE RECEPTION:
We all arrived after the pictures. I looked around, and everything seemed to be all set. The pastries, the band, the tables, and all the place settings were arranged perfectly. I approached the band and inquired about how everything was going.
They said, “Great, we’re all set up, just tuning our instruments.”
I told them, “As long as that Bouzouki is finetuned, we’re good.”
We would play a mixture of Greek and American music so everyone could have fun and dance all night.
The guests started arriving. We quickly lined up for our receiving line. Everyone wanted to kiss us, there were three hundred fifty fucking people. I thought the line would never end. The line took almost one and a half hours.
We all stood inside the door, waiting to be announced, when Stéphanos came over and showed me my face in the mirror.
He said, “You look like a clown with all the colors.”
There were different lipstick colors all over Athena and me, as well as our cheeks and forehead. Everyone was searching for an empty spot, I guess. We had to clean it up fast, and Joni sprang into action, bringing us some wet hand towels.
The lead singer of the band said, “Ladies and gentlemen, please rise. I would like to introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Leonidas and Athena for their first wedding dance.”
As we walked in, they were all cheering, clinging their glasses to make us kiss. We walked in waving, and then I took my beautiful Athena into my arms for our first dance. She was so beautiful. Many of our guests ran up and showered us with dollar bills. Her Babylon Valley flowed back and forth like waves on the ocean.
My spear was in top form. I said, “You will be very happy tonight my friend.” After we finished, we went to the head table with the rest of the wedding party.
My best man George stood up and went to the microphone where the band was for the toast.
George said, “Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for a toast. I am so happy for Leonidas and Athena, and may I add, ‘May every day be their wedding day and every night be their honeymoon night.’” The crowd roared!
Everyone wanted more pasta. They were flipping out over the Italian sauce. Vinny Giuliano was a master at his Italian craft, while his wife, Joni, worked the tables with the girls.
Paula’s family was there from California with my aunt TT, uncle Johnny, and their son, my cousin Johnny. My Greek cousins from Connecticut and cousins from Northern California were also there. Everyone from the state, Goombas, Bikers, people from the beach.
They kept clinking their glasses for us to kiss, and I kept saying, “My pleasure.”
Finally, I needed a drink, so I went to the bar. The only problem was that all the Greeks were lined up.
“What are you drinking?” they asked.
I replied, “Absolute and seven with a twist of lime.”
The next thing I knew, I had 4 of them lined up. I woofed two of them down quickly.
I had to get to the family from California at their table. Paula was so pretty with her dress and her new short hair. Cousin Johnny looked like Dapper Dan with his tux on. Uncle Johnny grabbed his beer bottle with that pinky sticking up like a salute, saying, “Congratulations, Lee.” Lee! He cracks me up! Bobby’s wife was disinfecting the silverware to avoid getting any diseases. The funny thing was, she was smoking a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. Diseases?
Paula’s daughter Mishi was on the dance floor in her dark, velvety dress with white stockings, tapping away all night; she wouldn’t stop.
Finally, Lou stood up, grabbed me by the arm, and walked me over to the pastry table, looking at me over his glasses.
He said, “Who the fuck is going to eat all that?”
I looked at him and smiled. I said, “I hope it is enough.”
He looked at me like I had twentytwo heads on my shoulders. He went back to the table, shaking his head in amazement.
It was time for the dancing to start. We started our traditional Greek wedding dance, where we all lined up. I did OK leading the dancing line, but I could have been better.
Athena danced with her father to the song Daddy’s Little Girl. I then danced with my mother to the song Butterfly Kisses.
Everyone was rocking, rolling, swinging, and slow dancing the night away.
I walked over to the Southern California table.
I asked Lou, “Lou, may I dance with your beautiful wife, pretty Paula?”
Lou looked at me with a funny smirk; I told him, “I’ll take that as a yes.”
I took her hand and walked to the dance floor. I put my arm around her and held the other hand up for the slow dance.
Paula spoke, “You look so handsome in your tuxedo.”
I replied, “Thank you. The last time you saw me this close in a tuxedo was at your high school event when I was five. Do you remember when I escorted you on the stage?”
She said, “Yes, you’re right. You were handsome then, and you’re still handsome now.”
I started giggling. I thought, “Wait till you see me when I’m sixtyseven.”
I said to Paula, “It’s funny. All of you flew out here for the wedding. Tomorrow, we’re flying out to where you live. When are you flying back?”
She said, “In three days.”
I told her, “OK, I’ll have Athena pretty worn out by then. She will need a dose of your Pasta Primavera with chicken as soon as you can. After I give Athena twentyfive sessions, Athena will need some energy.”
She looked at me with a big smile and said, “You bad boy.”
I told her, “I am Spartan; I have Greek and Italian blood in my veins.”
Paula said, “I almost forgot. Here is the key to the beach house in Malibu on Zuma Beach. The alarm code is 1225. Funny. Lou’s Jewish, but he loves Christmas. We have many Christmas trees at the Hidden Hills house during Christmas time.”
I told her, “Maybe out of respect because you were raised Catholic here.”
Paula said, “Oh, one more thing. A girl is staying at the beach house. She’s doing some artwork for Lou. She knows you’re coming and will stay with a friend after you arrive there.”
I walked her back to the table and kissed her hand.
I told Lou, “Thank you, Mr. Lane; I’m returning pretty Paula, safe and sound.”
I grabbed another drink and then went to the edge of the dance floor, watching everyone have a good time. Dad was stepping from side to side, clapping his hands. It was weird that he had his dark green sunglasses on.
Looking around, I saw him on the hunt, searching the crowd for a victim. Oh, fuck god help us all, shit, shit, shit. It was John Pig. John Pig had his light blue tux on with jeans and loafers. John Pig walked before the video camera, splashing disappearing ink on his tux, smiling and laughing. He turned and grabbed his victim. Barbera was a friend of Athena’s, a married woman alone. Barbera was a nurse at the local hospital. They grabbed each other, dancing and swapping spit with their tongues. The evidence is in the VHS tape, now digitized.
It was time to cut the cake. We cut a piece from our threetiered cake and sweetly fed each other. Then, it was time for Athena to throw her bouquet.
The band announced, “Athena, are you ready? On the count of three, one, two, and three.”
Athena threw it high in the air, and three girls grabbed it and ripped it apart, sharing it.
Now, it was time to throw the garter. Athena sat in the chair, and all the bridesmaids stood behind her. Athena crossed her legs; I went on one knee to retrieve the garter. I had a plan. I would go up, tickling her leg to see how far I could go up, till she stopped me. As I reached underneath, I said to myself, oh fuck, she has pantyhose on, but I’ll do it anyways. I slipped my hands under her dress. I grabbed the garter with my right hand, but my left hand kept going up, tickling. I wanted to see when she would stop me. I only got as far as midthigh, and then she slapped both her hands down to stop. I was smiling.
All the male single guests behind me cheered, “We are Sparta.”
All waited for me to fling the garter in the air.
Everyone started dancing again, and my father was still doing his thing. We had to get changed for our goingaway outfit, so we drove to my house, which was only three minutes away.
As we were walking out, I told Stéphanos that Dad still was wearing his sunglasses.
He replied, “No fucking way.”
Later, Stéphanos told Dad, “Your sunglasses are still on.” Dad reached into his inside jacket pocket and realized they weren’t there, but on his face, and he busted out laughing.
We arrived at my house and quickly removed our clothes to change. I stood in amazement, looking at Athena. Oh my god, her Babylon Valley, with her two sweet fruits, ready for the extraction. I went over to her, and turned her to me, passionately kissed her while putting my arms around her; I grabbed her butt cheeks and squeezed them. I was pressing my engorged spear to the entrance to her heart. I just wanted to ravage her now!
Athena told me, “Later, we have to get back to everyone waiting for our going away dance.” We headed back to the reception.
As we danced, everyone cried or cheered. We had to get to the hotel in Boston to fly out early to LAX, grab the car rental, and then travel on the Pacific Coast Highway to Malibu at Zuma Beach.
Part 6 THE HONEYMOON
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