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Dear Diary
The second I walked in the front door, I knew something was wrong. The house was too quiet. I don’t know what I expected, but I sure as hell didn’t expect this.
I walked into the bedroom and my diary was sitting in the middle of the bed, with Sam’s ring sitting on top of it. It was like being punched in my goddamn guts.
My stomach dropped, and I couldn’t breathe. I knew what it meant right away. He knows. He knows everything.
I sat on the bed, staring at his ring. How could I be so stupid? How could I think I could keep this hidden from him? I should’ve known better. Sam wasn’t blind, he’s very smart. But he trusted me, believed in us, and I took his trust and shattered it.
What the hell was I thinking? I mean, I know what I was thinking. Phil made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a long time. There was this excitement, this pull I couldn’t resist. It was like I was someone new when I was with him, someone different. And yeah, I felt things for him, things I can’t even fully explain, but what I felt for Phil was never more than what I feel for Sam.
And the truth is, I’ve been telling myself this whole time that Phil filled some void in my life, but now I realize… that wasn’t it. I wasn’t in love with him. I was in love with the escape, the excitement, the idea. It was never real.
Phil was always going home to Gloria, and to their kid. He has this whole life that he’s protecting, and I was just… what? A distraction? Something on the side?
SHIT! I was the OTHER WOMAN.
Phil probably thinks he can keep this going, that I’ll still be here, sneaking around with him like before. He doesn’t know I’ve already made my choice. I’ve chosen Sam. I always would have chosen Sam. I just didn’t realize it until now, until I’d already done so much damage. I’ll never get that time back. I’ll never undo what I’ve done. But I can stop this now, before it destroys more lives than it already has.
It makes me sick to think of Gloria. She has no idea what’s been going on. She’s living her life, raising their son, trusting Phil, her husband, while he’s been sneaking around behind her back. I might as well have just stabbed her. What would it do to her family if she knew?
I’m not who I thought I was either. This whole thing has made me see myself differently. I not only cheated on my husband, I cheated with a married man.
That’s the part that kills me. I love Sam. I always have. From the day we met, through everything, I’ve loved him. He’s been my rock, the person I always turned to, the person who never let me down. And now, I’ve let him down in the worst possible way. I betrayed him, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to tell him how much I regret it.
Because I do. God, I do. I regret ever meeting Phil in the first place.
I never wanted to hurt Sam. I thought I could handle it, but I was so damn wrong. It’s all out in the open now. And maybe it’s too late to save anything.
Sam is my life. He’s who I should have been focused on all along. I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me for it. Hell, I don’t know if he’ll even listen if I try to explain. I don’t even know where he is right now. He’s gone, and it’s like there’s a giant hole in my chest where my heart used to be.
I hate myself for this. I hate that I let it get this far. I hate that I hurt him, the one person who should have been able to count on me. He deserves so much more than this, more than me, but I love him, and I need him to know that.
Maybe I’ll never get the chance to say it. Maybe this is the end. But if there’s even a sliver of hope that he’ll listen, I’ll take it. I’ll try. I’ll do whatever I can to fix this, even though I don’t deserve it.
I just hope… I just hope I haven’t lost him for good.
Katie.
ero
