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This is pure fiction and an artistic expression to extend support to the alphabet gang. This is an attempt to narrate the lives of individuals with different ualities and the social stigma that they deal with. It is also a thought experiment and an attempt to fuse the Philosophy of from classic schools of thought ranging from Greece to Asia and understand them in the contemporary world.
“No Man or woman is an Island, for every human is part of the continent or the Main”. John Dunne.
Chapter 1 – Cogito, Ergo Sum (I think, Therefore I am!)
“20 Thousand bucks!” Exclaimed a woman who grabbed everyone’s attention in the café, she had a deep voice, and dirty blonde hair (dirty Blonde refers to the colour of her hair) her sparkling big eyes ensured that her excitement was no longer a secret, while things got back to normal as people ignored and focused on their plate, I could not keep my eyes away from her, there was something different about this woman, as I sipped on my americano I could sense myself gravitating towards this person.
Confused? I’m Priya, 37 and divorced. It was deemed by the court and society that my children’s custody should stay with the father. Apparently, I’m irresponsible, Sadistic, Selfish, and Toxic.
How did I get here you ask? Let’s go back in time 18 years ago. I was 19 and discovered that I’m a this was the medieval period for people with desires that did not sync with society. The apex court had decriminalized same relationships but once again India abstained from voting on LGBTQ rights at UN. This reminds me of the Civil Rights Movement in America and how the African Americans were united for civil rights NOT EQUAL RIGHTS! The fact that a massive movement like this, led by Malcom X and Martin Luther King resulted in half assed acknowledgement of the African American community as secondclass citizens is proof that our cause to fight for our identity and uality is a long journey.
Everyday interactions with family and friends were saturated with dangers in the heart that could reveal my ual identity. When a Man likes a woman or a woman likes a man the result is binary when either of them proposes, it’s mostly a YES or a NO. But people like me, live in the realm of grey, unlike today we could not go and ask another girl out. The Mostly “NO” response to our proposal was laced with condescending and Judging tone.
I was in a relationship with Anjum. She was my classmate and best friend; she was pureblooded. Our bond was quite intense. Anjum was always the top and I used to be a pillow princess. Back in the day, even if we could afford the toys or the lubes we did not know where and how to procure them. We often explored our bodies; Spit was our natural lube and Carrots /Candles were our dildos.
with Anjum was ritualistic she was obsessed with my ass, it would always begin with a passionate kiss with our naked bodies tightly wrapped, she would then lift my legs and slowly run her tongue from my ass hole to my , Anjum would then suddenly bury her face to suck my clit with her fingers from her left hand in my cunt and her right hand caressing my left perky tit. With her I never had to tell what I desired she was a magician a Clairvoyant, She Knew exactly what was on my mind and would act even before my thought finished. She would whisper some nasty words in my ears that would unlock a demon inside me. I wanted to be a Top and switch role, but Anjum’s personality was too dominating, one day when I expressed my feeling to her, she agreed. I blindfolded her and made her lay on the bed, I started to lick her from her neck slowly descending on her boobs, I slightly licked her light brown nipples and kissed them softly, I could sense the restlessness in Anjum by how her body was reacting. I continued with the soft kisses swapping them with licks until I reached her . Anjum would occasionally try to reach her hands to grab me, and I’d gently slap her hand and ask her to quietly enjoy. She then turned and laid on her stomach, I applied some olive oil and started to rub my tits on her back. I’d gently squeeze her ass with both my hands and spread it only to witness the most beautiful black hole in this universe. I poured few drops of oil on her ass hole and greased my finger with some oil too, I’d then very softly touched her ass hole escalating it slowly to a rub, I’d then insert my ring finger to ensure pain does not turn her off, after making Anjum Cumm I would lay on her hand and wink at her whilst I was licking the sticky fingers from her holes. We would then rub our pissers so we could cumm together and for over 20 mins until our jaws hurt. We would end it with a tight hug, The feeling of oneness with both our bodies tightly wrapped cannot be decoded with words, it was as if we were both a single organism separated by the gods as a cruel joke.
One Day Anjum came to my house and started crying as soon as she entered my room, her family found out about her uality, and I had a mini heart attack, The moment she said her family knew my mind started creating a Defcon 3 defense mechanism on how I should deny everything as I was scared to death that Anjum might have ratted me out and Nawab uncle would tell my dad. I consoled Anjum and Craft fully enquired about minute details. I learned that it was Anjum’s friendly honest chat with her elder sister that became the source of her uality being public information with her parents and luckily, she had not revealed that she was in a relationship with me, all she told her sister was that she likes women and they married Anjum in a couple of months to some guy in Dubai. She hated men. My heart was broken not because I lost a girlfriend but because of how Anjum’s life will become hell; she will now have to live an unnatural life denying who she is.
After that every day I contemplated that I should tell my parents about how I felt and get help, the cultural conditioning had convinced me that this desire was wrong, my thoughts were wrong, “I AM WRONG!” But every time I sat down with my old man and looked at his compassionate face and heard his stories of how he struggled to give me and my brother the best possible education and the life I had, his words baptized me of all thoughts and desire it left me with just one ambition and that was to make him and my mum proud. Seven years had passed since I decided to hide my uality and sacrifice every desire in my heart with a single goal to not hurt or embarrass my parents.
I was now 26 years old, and it was March, a Sunny afternoon with the usual power cuts. It was hell! The whistling sound of the pressure cooker from the kitchen, cousin’s kids running around the living room, Dad fanning himself with an old newspaper, and mom shouting at me to help her with lunch, just another Sunday afternoon at home. I arranged the food and started serving Dad some curry, he smiled, thanked me, and said, “Bless you, child, I pray that we get a good proposal for your marriage, and I get to see my grandkids before I leave this world” Mom got annoyed at Dad’s mention of the D word, and I expressed my interest to stay unmarried. The moment I said I did not want to marry my mum slapped me on the back of my head and said, “God made a mistake and made you a girl instead of a boy”.
My Cousin Arpita who was in the Kitchen preparing her kid’s food overheard our conversation and Barged into the living room where we were having lunch, she agreed with my parents and volunteered to find a good groom for me. My mom blessed her and said, “I wish we had a girl like you then we wouldn’t have to worry about a groom for this tomboy”. Arpita had taken this matchmaking responsibility too seriously. In a matter of two months, she arranged four matches (All nogo) mostly from the Groom’s side.
I must admit it hurts like hell. The feeling of rejection breaks you from inside and evaporates one’s confidence. It pained me to see my parents console me saying “Something will work, and I should not think too much about it”, and “These things are made in heaven and will happen when they have to happen”. Honestly, I didn’t care! But my house had become a perfect ecosystem to incept thoughts in my head by suggestive sympathy. Everyone just looked at me and said don’t worry! I knew my dad was the one who was worried the most. One Day I heard my mom telling my dad that I was about to turn 27 and nobody would marry me due to my age, Mom continued telling Dad how we would start getting bad proposals if we let this year pass and must decide. I quietly sat in my room and reflected on the situation.
The conditions & expectations from the proposals in the last two months echoed in my head as my blood boiled, I wondered how I was being treated like a commodity, and I wondered how unjust this system was. “Ugly Bastards and their selfish barbaric parents desire a perfect princess not too tall, not too short, must be fair, and should do the house chores, take care of the elderly at home, and should be a housewife. Basically, what they want is a fuck doll and a maid with no rights as a human being.” For some reason, I just missed Anjum that day and without thinking much called her after a long time, it was so nice to hear her voice. It calmed my soul, she said she was visiting her parents this weekend and would meet me.
That weekend I dressed myself to kill and prepared the lunch with the entirety of my cooking skills. The doorbell rang and I opened the door to see Anjum with her husband and a 2yearold holding her hands, I hugged her and welcomed the family in, I kept telling Anjum that she was the guest and should sit down but she insisted on helping me in the kitchen and sorting the dining table. I nonchalantly touched her hands while passing the plates and waited for her to compliment my dress but there was no sign of any spark between us anymore.
We finished our Lunch while Anjum’s husband Zeeshan sat with my dad discussing politics Anjum and I went to our room. Deep down I thought as soon as we entered the room Anjum would hug me tightly and tell me how she missed me and that what we had was best, I had my lines ready to tell her how I missed her, but she simply sat on the bed and said, “Remember how childish and stupid we were? I can’t believe we did those foolish gross things in this room”? It felt like someone pierced a dagger in my heart and twisted just to ensure there was no coming back to life after that.
Everything I treasured and considered holy was crushed and destroyed by what she said, I was speechless for a moment and with a fake smile said “haha Yes.” Anjum then spoke about her married life and praised Zeeshan, she would not stop talking about how romantic he was and how blessed they were to have a cute kid, my heart was broken into a million pieces, I quietly made a face as if I’m interested in everything she said and kept acknowledging to her with an occasional Yes and nodded my head while I pretended to read something on my phone. I looked at the clock and said, “Sorry Anju I need to go out, you can stay as long as you want, I’ll meet you tomorrow?” Anju had the knack to read the room and understood it was time for her to leave. She may have broken my heart, but I did not forget my manners, I walked the family until the gate and just before Anjum left she had a very strange expression on her face, she came close to me and whispered “Sorry” in my ear.
I never understood the meaning behind that sorry, was she sorry for being a ? Was she sorry for introducing me and encouraging me to be like her back in the day? Was she sorry because she did not have with me or kiss me today? Was she sorry because she was being an insensitive bitch? Or did she simply notice my desperate mental state and was sorry for that? Usually, “thanks” and “Sorry” are the most abused words, so shallow that they don’t hold any meaning anymore, but Anjum’s “Sorry” weighed on my heart.
Chapter – 2 The Allegory of the Cave
For time immemorable & Food have underpinned humanity’s desire to progress. The Greeks looked at as an area of life that interested goddess Aphrodite, just like war interested Ares. Intercourse was often referred as Aphrodisia, meaning Aphrodite’s thing. has always been considered an important aspect of human life and associated with divinity in some cases. Indian Philosophy namely the Carvaka school of thought that gifted humanity with “Kama Sutra” is the proof how and uality of people is important and without acknowledging, understanding and respecting it, the meaning of life is lost. Many argue that is not an existential value, agreed! One does not cease to exist without or art or friendship or sports for that matter. The fundamental question that haunts us “Is merely breathing enough to qualify as definition of life?”
Plato in his book The Republic talks about a group of prisoners living in a cave. A bright fire is burning behind them, seemingly preventing them from escaping. A series of people they can’t see project shadow puppets onto the wall in front of them. To the prisoners in the Cave who have lived there since early childhood, this is what they believe to be their world. However, one prisoner manages to escape, and somebody drags one of the prisoners around the fire and into the real world. Once they escape the Cave, the freed prisoner is initially angry and upset because their eyes burn in the overwhelming sunlight. But eventually, their eyes adjust, and they see the world for what it is, a new reality. If this man tried to go back into the Cave to rescue other prisoners, he would not be able to do it. His eyes, having adjusted to the sunlight, would not be able to see in the darkness of the Cave.
Don’t we all resemble captives who are chained deep within a cavern, who do not yet realize that there is more to reality than the shadows they see against the wall? These shadows that we see are the typical induced realities which tell us that women are week, they are less intelligent, these shadows tell us that people who are not comfortable with their biological are unnatural deviants of society. These are the shadows that conditioned us to believe that life is good or bad, Black or white the shadows that thought us hate the shadows which persistently tell us that its always us vs. Them. All our lives we’ve been watching this movie called reality where Religion, Politics and Economics fight for supremacy they come masquerading as Theocracy, Democracy, Capitalism, Communism, Liberalism, Socialism but in truth they are all the same shadows we prisoners see on the wall. The real question now is will we ever break free? And how do we break free?
I wonder if the dangers in my heart are also the shadows shown to me, what if I lived my life free, what if I did what I wanted, I started to question everything, I thought I was a , but spending all these years with Vik I confess, I had my moments of pleasure, uality changes with the evolution of our surrounding we don’t live in the world of absolutes, I identify myself as a Queer today someone who questions.
A week had passed, As I waited at the airport for Neha to come out, I wondered how she looked like in person, she could not make it to our wedding due to her school, but we had interacted over video calls many times, As I was lost in my thought a beautiful lass with shining smile on her face, long silky hair, with sparkling eyes started waving at me as Neha came close to hug me I noticed her slim and elegant body she looked like a super model with perfect proportion of balanced features on her face, I could tell she was wearing Jo Malone even before the hug as she hugged me I was amazed by her soft skin which was smooth like Porcelain. “How are you? Aunty” So good to finally meet you! Said Neha, her voice hummed in my ears like a melody, it was as if the birds were singing.
The Driver helped with the luggage and as we walked towards the pickup point at the airport for our car to arrive the devil in me was now awake, I had to know if she was a Queer like me, But how? I can’t ask her directly. Our Villa was 3 hours ride from the Airport I had enough time to establish her ual identity, my mind was working quite efficiently, we spoke for an hour about Neha’s mum and Vik and Collage my kids, Donal Trump, and finally India. I Pounced at the topic organically and said, “So the Pride month is near do you engage with activists to show support?” Neha nodded yes with a forced smile and the Gaydar was telling me that it’s a neutral response, I did not get a decisive answer I was looking for. I took my questioning skills a notch up and asked if she had seen “Blue is the warmest Colour” and “Orange is the new Black” She answered “Yes” but the lack of enthusiasm in her answer and the technical details about film making and direction veiled her ual identity, once again I failed at establishing what I wanted to know.
We reached Home, I showed Neha her room and asked her to freshen up and have something to eat before she rests from her jet leg. I then entered my room and closed the door and sat down quietly cursing myself for fancying a young girl. My Heart was racing I had no control, mixed thoughts from past rushed my mind the fear of engaging with Neha, my husband finding out about my uality, my children’s future if things go wrong. I immediately created a fake account on all social media sites and started cyber lurking Neha, I wanted a sign before I approached her, I read all the topics on which she commented, who she hung out with, the places she visited any photos of girls kissing her for the love of God I even zoomed the images and searched for a rainbow in the background. I finally found a conversation with Neha and a girl named Sarah, Neha was flirting with this girl, I knew this was not enough sometimes straight girls flirt with s and Queers they think it’s a harmless thing they do, it’s fun for them it boosts their ego.
I prepared the lunch and knocked the door for Neha to join, the door was ajar and since there was no response, I entered the room and found Neha asleep, she was a femme fatale even in her sleep, I rolled the curtains down and turned the AC, I then put the blanket on her so she could sleep without any disturbance. I had my lunch alone the kids were my Mum’s place, so I had the entire afternoon to myself. I wanted to masturbate thinking of Neha, at least this was in my control, I got my palm vibrator from the closet and allowed my imagination to go wild, I had to big orgasms before the buzzing from the vibrator stopped, it had been a while since I last charged it. As I laid in the bed naked wrapping a comforter, a sense of calmness possessed my body and I thought to myself how and individuals’ uality is a taboo and wondered why it should be. It was now evening Vik had returned home and the maid had prepared the classic naan (Indian bread) with Chicken curry along with salad and steamed rice for dinner.
Neha was happy to see her uncle. They both chatted for hours about relatives and incidents I had no context too, it felt a bit awkward when they looked and me and narrated the back stories to what they were discussing about, honestly, I did not find half of the things funny, but I played along. Vik got a call from him friends and he went out for drinks he usually returns before midnight and indulges in vices responsibly.
I don’t like it when the kitchen is messy, most of my friends leave the dishes for the maid to clean in the morning, but I grew up in a house where my mum slapped my head for every little mistake and made me do the house chores call it muscle memory, but I just can’t sleep knowing there are dishes in the kitchen! As I started washing them Neha joined me and sat on the kitchen slab she had changed after Vik left and was wearing shorts with and a loose Tee. I had my orgasm, I had calmed my nerves but her being so close was like being under a spell, I was conscious of my surrounding and yet felt like I was not in control of myself. I wanted to talk something mature to break the ice.
Me: How is college? Padai kaisi chalrahi hai (how are you doing with your grades?)
Neha: Padai and Chudai are all fine Aunty (Reading and all fine aunty)
My heart skipped a beat I knew she had Indian friends and she’s visited India many times in past but her uttering “Chudai” with American accent was like being struck by lightning. The Breadth and depth of some words in certain languages and the impact it has given the context of the situation is unexplainable. Me: lol! It’s cute how you pronounce that word.
Me: So, are you in a relationship?
Neha: Not anymore, I broke u with my girlfriend.
Wondering if my queer mind was playing tricks with me, to clarify I asked again.
Me: Did you just say girlfriend?
Neha: C’mon aunty don’t play dumb with me, I can’t sleep in the AC after you left, I woke up and I came to your room, I could hear you moan my name with the buzzing of the vibrator. I knew what was happening.
My legs had given up I had no courage to turn and look at her, I started to scrub the already clean plates like that was the only thing that could make me invisible. Suddenly Neha hugged me from behind and whispered in my ear “Aunty you’re beautiful” and kissed me on my neck. I wanted to turn quickly and kiss her deeply, I wanted to wrap my hands on those beautiful breasts and make love with her on the countertop. I did none of that I turned around smiled at her and like a stupid person and said, “Thank you” and quietly went to my room folded my legs, wrapped my hands around them kept my chin on the knees and just stared at the wall.
Experience has thought me that anything too good to be true kind of situations always come with a catch. With Neha taking the lead I did not know what the catch was. Her whisper echoed in my ears, and I got up, undressed and looked at myself in the mirror. Maybe she was just teasing me I said to myself and succumbed to sleep. Vik returned and quietly joined me in the bed he wrapped his hand on my breast, and I needed some closure, that night I made Vik a pillow prince, we sucked and fucked each other for hours without uttering a word, Vik new something had happened, but he did not dare to ask.
The Next morning after Vik left, I was sitting at the couch and Neha sat next to me I moved a little to give her some space but she came closer and apologized for what she did last night, and enquired if she offended me in any way, I smiled at her and told her about my past, I even told her how I had hots for her ever since I saw her, I then did what a mature responsible person should do and explained to her that how things could get nasty if her uncle found out,
The truth was I was afraid of myself I did not know how I’d satiate this beast in me once Neha left, some things must remain chained I said. Neha quietly listened to everything and simply kissed me passionately like she did not hear a word I said, I found resistance futile, in my defence I did everything to avoid if this is still happening then may be this is the will of the Greek goddess Aphrodite. Neha started to caress and crush my boobs while she continued to kiss and suck my tongue, I rubbed my hands on her thighs, I broke the kiss and asked her if she would like to continue this in the room,
I undressed as soon as we entered the room and Neha followed my steer, I asked Neha to keep both her hands on the wall and lean forward protruding her ass up, I knelt and kissed those beautiful cheeks and ran my tongue in the crack, I then split her ass cheeks and sniffed her butt hole, Neha’s knees started buckling and she could take no more. We exchanged our positions and walked towards the Queensized bed in my room, I then asked Neha what she likes, and we shared our likes and dislikes to ensure we had a winwin outcome. Neha liked her cunt sucked while a finger was in her butt hole, she expressed her desire to cumm in my mouth. I had not done this before and was open for the challenge. Spending those few hours with Neha felt like the six years of wait to meet another woman was worth it. This continued for many days until the day for Neha to leave had arrived.
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