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Mustrum Ridcully, DM, D.Thau, a whole list of et ceteras and, just incidentally, the Archchancellor of Unseen University, raised his eyebrows and peered over his reading glasses from a neatly and very thoroughly creased letter to the glowering face of a disgruntledlooking, earlyteenaged girl. Her hair was long and dark and pulled into a ponytail at the base of her skull. She was dressed all in black and while it wasn’t quite the kind of dress one might expect of a professional witch, it gave the distinct impression that a certain amount of witchieness was well within the realm of possibility, especially given the girl’s unhappy frown. This was odd, to say the least. While Ridcully had the greatest respect (and at one time an admiring affection) for at least one witch, they weren’t usually found within the walls of UU. Witch Magic and wizard Magic were entirely different categories but—here she was.
According to the letter, her name was Penelope Ogg and it had turned out that in addition to magical talent, she had a rather short, violent temper. A particularly unpleasant sixth level student had tried to bully her when she first came through the great Octiron gates of the University and she’d snarled and turned him into a smoking crater. Fatalities among the student body weren’t unusual during their undergraduate years but usually it was magical books or overconfidence on the part of the students, not their classmates who were responsible. However, the testimony of one of the Bledlows, one Wiggleigh to be precise, made it quite clear that the older boy had started things and simply got what he had coming. Ridcully was mildly impressed.
“So Miss Ogg,” he began, “this letter fr’m Queen Magrat of Lancre states that y’are the greatgranddaughter of Gytha (Nanny) Ogg and th’ granddaughter of the esteemed smith Jason Ogg.”
“Yessir.”
“And though you come fr’m a long line o’ highly regarded and pow’rful witches, she believes (as a witch in ‘er own right) that witchcraft is not yer callin’ but that y’may have the potential t’ b’come a wizard. Either that or a professional privy sinker. How many deep holes have y’melted?”
“Dunno, sir. A fair number. Most of ’em were me jus’ tryin’ to start a fire t’brew tea.”
“Indeed. Didjer wave a wand or a staff?”
“Nossir, I just pointed at a pile of sticks an’ thought about fire. I did manage to get a real fire started one time, though. The others jus’ turnt into fireballs and sank out o’sight.”
“Ah, but yer did get one actual fire started. Was that r’cently?”
“Yessir. It were just before I got on th’train. I were hopin’ that they might let me stay iffin I got one right. ‘nstead Nanny congratulated me on improvin’ m’control and then ver’ pointedly took me to the train station. ‘m a bit on the outs with the town, right now.”
“Ah, poor lass.” He patted her hand. “Well, yer in the right place for one o’yer talent. The last student we had here who was flingin’ fireballs at a tender age was Eskarina Smith. R’markable child. She convinced th’faculty of th’time that what the most import’nt thing ’bout Magic was the knowin’ when not t’use it. She still shows up now and again. Lives over in the Unreal Estate these days, don’tcherknow, ‘nd is most remark’ble for her skill in the Traveling Now.”
He turned to the Bledlow. “Wiggleigh, ‘f y’d take th’young lady t’Mrs. Whitlow t’be fitted with proper student kit and then have Ksendra introduce her t’Professor Phoebe Emergent. And tell her to find Miss Ogg a single room in th’ student dormitory. Can’t have a young gel livin’ amidst a bunch of hooligans, yer know. O’course, if a chap were silly enough to try takin’ liberties, she’d likely either straighten him out immejitly or melt ‘im down for cookin’ fat. Anyway, welcome to Unseen, Miss Ogg. We’ll be lookin’ forward t’see how yer develop.”
There isn’t a lot of paperwork involved in enrolling in Unseen. For most students it’s a natural consequence of having sparks fly out of their fingers. Not everyone at UU studies Magic but most do. Evidently Penelope wasn’t being given the choice. Lancre didn’t want her around scorching either citizens or tourists and the market for high temperature tunneling wasn’t very large. At the very worst, Phoebe Emergent consoled the girl, a degree in Magic would lead to a tenured position at the University with accompanying apartment, four officially generous meals per day (plus snacks) and very few responsibilities—until the dreadful day some eldritch horror appeared. Then she would be part of the City’s first line of defense. Wizards might usually have a soft life but it is one that could come to a sudden, ghastly end. The girl’s innate skill with fireballs might well be appreciated by her colleagues when she perfected it.
At Second Luncheon, Phoebe introduced Penelope to a group of boys sitting on either side of a long table. One of them, Wolfe Woodbead, brightened up and rose to his feet. In the most courtly manner he could manage, the older boy pulled out a chair and slid the girl up next to the table. Then he proceeded to introduce her to the others sitting there. Evidently he was greatly pleased at the idea of a girl as a student at Unseen. Looking around the Great Hall, Penelope immediately understood why. She was the only one. One girl in an entire Great Hall of boys and men—except for Phoebe and the serving maids, of course.
‘Gosh,’ she thought, ‘maybe getting sent away to school could be a good thing, after all. I’ll have to see if the Lancre court has any need for a court wizard, but if not, staying here might just be okay. The odds are certainly in my favor!’
“Penelope, how are you with spicy food? Lately we’ve been putting away a goodly number of avocados with Wowwow sauce and if you’d like to give it a try, I’ll split one with you.” Hastor Thumbfinger was on his best behavior and really eager to impress the new girl.
Penelope was dubious. “How spicey?”
“Uh, well—it kind of drains your sinuses and makes you cry? And you blush clear down to your toes? It’s really exciting, though, once you get used to it. The Archchancellor has it made back at his family estates and has a case shipped to us every couple of months. Just as a caution, though, don’t shake the bottle!”
“Don’t. Shake. Th’ bottle.”
“Yeah, well,” Consideration Stibbons (second cousin to the Vice Chancellor) interjected, “the is that some years back one of the University gardener’s prize compost heaps sort of came to life? And rather alarmingly started chasing the senior faculty around campus? For reasons of his own, the Archchancellor unstoppered the lid on a bottle of his Wowwow sauce and lobbed it into the center of the heap. The heap swallowed the bottle and exploded—flatulently. The resulting mess took a week to clean up. Ever since then whenever Ridcully reaches for the condiment cruet set the entire faculty leans away. None of us students have ever seen it explode but anyone who has tried it has no doubt that it can.”
Penelope thought about that. These people used a sauce with a reputation for explosions on their foodon their actual food and ate it. Witches might do some strange things but nothing like that. There was no doubt that life among wizards was going to be—different. Still, different wasn’t necessarily bad. And they did say it was exciting once you got used to it. Besides it would never do to be the only one to chicken out, especially since she was the ‘new kid’.
She took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m game, but only if all th’ rest o’ you have some at th’ same time. I wasn’t born yestidday, y’know.”
It was as though the serving maids had all been waiting in readiness. No sooner had Penelope agreed to try the dish than a tray of halved avocados was placed in the center of the group along with a gingerly handled bottle of Wowwow sauce. When Cicely very carefully pulled out the stopper, a pungent scent and cloudy vapor flowed up out of the neck, down the sides and across the table in a widening ring.
“This is safe to eat?”
“Uh—for a given value of safe. You only use a small amount and you spread it all over the fruit. Just don’t shake the bottle.”
Penelope saw that all the boys were helping themselves to the oddlooking, green, pearshaped fruit. It seemed that they really did plan to eat it. Okaaaaay . . . She put a half on her plate and then watched in some trepidation as each boy very carefully poured just a small amount on top and then equally carefully passed it onto a friend. She did note that the sauce didn’t burn a hole in the avocado or do any other obvious damage, nor did it in any way discolor or stain the silverware. Right then, she’d do it.
Wolfe delicately dressed her portion with the sauce. Up close the scent was even more disquieting. Watching her tablemates, she cut off a small piece and as they all did, stuck it in her mouth. The explosion of flavors was, just as they’d said, exciting. Alarm bells went off on her soft palate, her sinuses all drained at once, tears streamed down her cheeks and she felt a surge of heat start at her ears and then all the way down to her feet.
“By all the gods!”
“We told you it was exciting.”
After several deep breaths and a big swallow of cold water she took the obvious next step. She had some more.
“And the Archchancellor puts this on everything? Like even pancakes at breakfast? What a man!” she thought admiringly, and sweating profusely finished the avocado before turning her attention to the soup course.
*****
A day or two later, Penelope was in class standing in front of a small table with a single candlestick in the center.
“Now dear,” Phoebe began, “as I’m sure your family as explained, Magic has a sort of semilife of its own. It’s not a very smart sort of life but it is very hostile and resentful. We lose about one student in five here every year because they get overconfident and try to push it around. That’s unwise. Yes, the Archchancellor can make it do whatever he wants but he is highly intelligent, extremely skilled and a Seventh Level Mage with decades of experience. Now your task is to make the candle light. After what you did to Peleanor Galway, (and quite righteously in my opinion), it is very obvious that you can. However, all we want lit is the wick. Maintaining control over your ability with fire may be the hardest thing you have ever done. So I’m going to give you a little hint. Cup your hands around the wick—just the wick! Think warm. Not, by all the gods, hot! Just warm, and hold it there until the wick catches fire. Then step back quickly. Everyone else? Stand back.”
*****
“Blue flame, yer say?” The Archchancellor was very surprised.
“That’s right,” Professor Emergent replied, “and so hot it left a scorch mark on the ceiling! The lass took a deep breath, put her hands around the wick, screwed up her face and all of a sudden a single blue flame shot from the candle clear up to the ceiling in the classroom. It consumed the entire top half of the candle! But fortunately she did control it well enough that there was just that one flash and then the wick was burning peacefully. Archchancellor, I don’t think anyone has shown that much magical power their first week here since you entered.”
“Consumed the entire top half o’the candle. ‘ r’member doin’ that. Old ‘Numbers’ Riktor was teachin’ Beginnin’ Spells in those days and he right chewed me out for it. Took me a fair number of weeks before he’d let me try it again. But there was just the one jet of flame before she had the candle burnin’ prop’ly?”
“Yes, Archchancellor.”
“We’re goin’ t’have t’handle this one verra carefully. The lass has great promise but as Galway found out t’hard way she also has a great talent f’r trouble. Make sure she has a friendly support group, Phoebe. A wizard with a fiery temper is not somethin’ we want to have sittin’ ’round buildin’ resentment. Smilin’ is the goal.”
*****
“But I don’t know how t’swim,” Penelope protested as Lethality Wiggs tightened the strings on the back of her new ‘bathing costume’.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Li replied with a grin, “We’ll teach you. Really it’s easy and all Assassins have to learn how. After all, sometimes the ‘client’ has a moat around their castle full of water and it’s against Guild Rules to use a broomstick to fly up onto the roof. We have to swim first and the climb up to the balcony before creeping in and inhuming them. We’ve been teaching the boys so we’ll just add you into the lessons.”
Over in the Men’s lockers, Connie pulled Wolfe aside.
“I was called into Cousin Ponder’s office just before Interluncheon Morsels. We have a new assignment.”
“A new assignment? On what subject?”
“Penelope Ogg.”
“Penny? What are we supposed to do with her?”
“Cousin Ponder wants us to go out of our way to keep her happy.”
“I don’t understand.”
Connie sighed. “Do you know Peleanor Galway?”
“Yeah, he’s a stupid rotter.”
“No, Wolfe, he was a stupid rotter. The fool saw Penny come through the front gates and decided to push her around and run her off.”
“Uhoh.”
“It turns out our Penny has a bit of a temper and when Galway started mouthin’ off and layin’ hands on her, she bared her teeth and left a smoking crater where he used to be. Not even any smoking pointytoes shoes, just a crater that Modo had to fill up and repave. The Vice Chancellor has me—and you—on orders. We are to keep Penny happy so long as we’re here. He hopes that in the years we have left before we graduate and go back to the countryside, Penny will mellow out and learn to control not only her magic but her temper as well. There’s speculation that she may have the most powerful raw talent the University has seen since Ridcully was a student and look how he turned out!”
“Archchancellor Penelope Ogg—that’s almost frightening! Okaaaaay, jolly Penny along. We lose enough students here every year just from mistakes and magical books. No sense losing more from—uh—intramural spats. And we really need to get the word out to the rest of the student body. DON’T MESS WITH THE OGG! Phew, and most of the time she such a sweet kid.”
“She is. But her first day in Beginning Spells she got assigned to light a candle, like we all do? She lit it, alright, but the flame was bright blue and shot straight to the ceiling where it left a scorch mark. It consumed half the candle before calming down and just being a flame. I’ve heard that the last time something like that happened, it was Ridcully’s first day at UU.”
“Right, then, lets us just go out and keep Penelope happy.”
*****
That evening an exhausted (but happy) Penelope sat on the edge of her bed. She was about to just flop down and pull up the covers when she had a strange feeling that she wasn’t alone. She lit a candlestick (on the first try!) and looked around. No sign of anyone. Then, on a hunch, she got down on the floor and looked under the bed. A pair of green, glowing, slit eyes looked back at her.
“Uh, hello?” a deep voice came from the eyes.
“Who are you and what are you doing under my bed?
“Uh, my name is Velvel and I live here.”
That was an odd idea.
“You live under my bed?”
“Well, yeah, I’m a bogey. That’s what we do. We live under beds—and behind doors and down in basements. Any place dark, you know.”
“A bogey. Wait. Are you one of those anthropomorphic personification thingies?”
“Very good. Yes, we personify the Fear of the Dark. The very first of us eventually became The Tooth Fairy but he died. Now there are lots of tooth fairies and a bunch of bogeys. There’s one that lives in the University basement named Schleppel. Some nights we get together and go hunting for the huge rats, escaped demons, unexploded spells an’ stuff that live down there. It’s great fun but my real home is under this bed. I’ve seen a lot of students come and go over the centuries, one was even a werewolf, but you’re the first girl I’ve ever met. Why are you here?”
Penelope sat back on her heels. An actual bogeyman lived under her bed. Chalk another one up to just how strange a place Unseen must be.
“I live on top of the bed! Or, I do at night. The rest of the time I am a student wizard.”
“But you’re a girl. Student wizards are all boys.”
“No, just most of them. I’m actually the third girl enrolled since the University was founded. My family has a lot of witches going back generations but my greatgrandmother decided that the kind of magical talent I have isn’t right for witches so I got sent here.”
“What do you do, shoot sparks? Conjure up chickens?”
“I throw fireballs.”
“Fireballs. You throw actual fireballs?”
“Well, not usually on purpose. Mostly I was just trying to start a fire to brew tea but sometimes people just get on my last nerve. But I am getting better. See this candle? I lit it without an explosion.”
Velvel thought about that. He’d seen lots of students come, grow up and go over the centuries but a girl? This was something new. And she was good with fire. Hmmm.
“So you can start a fire and cook things over it?”
Penny wrinkled up her forehead. “Well, I can start a fire. And if there’s a fire I can cook things over it. But I’ve never started a fire and then cooked something. I’m sure I could, though.”
“So if you started a fire on the hearth over there and I brought you a rat or a demon you could, like, broil it? Or put in a pot and make a stew?”
Penny thought about that. The hearth wasn’t large. It was designed to heat the bedroom in winter, not provide a way to prepare meals. On the other hand, it didn’t take much of a fire to make a stew.
“Well, I’d have to find a pot and scrounge up the vegetables. How big a rat are you thinking about?”
“Dunno. Lemme think about this while you sleep. G’night, girl.”
“M’name’s Penelope, Velvel. Call me Penny.”
“Okay, then. G’night Penny.”
*****
Underpinned by a powerful natural talent and a determination to not be outclassed by anyone at anything, Penny made good progress in her studies. Well before most of her classmates, whenever she passed from classroom to classroom or headed to and from the library, a row of books floated behind her. This wasn’t just boasting. The books were large and heavy and being magical books, had a tendency to try and bite fingers—off! So in addition to the line of books, a heavy iron chain floated at the end if the train. It kept the books reminded that she could quite easily chain them closed and hand them over to the Librarian for discipline if they misbehaved. Books dislike being threatened but dislike being scolded in orangutan even more so they stayed on good behavior even if they were always on the lookout for a moment of inattention or carelessness on the part of a student. With Penny, there weren’t any.
A year went by. The girl became a skilled swimmer and ‘one of the gang’ of Black Widows during their weekly swim party with the boys from UU. The University was pleased. There hadn’t been this many students using the gymnasium since the days of Evans the Striped. And with the Archchancellor’s new emphasis on physical fitness (rather than existential fatness) among his faculty, it was one happy stone edifice.
She was also becoming fast friends with the Bogeyman under her bed. Remaining innocent when the rest of the students wondered where the delicious smell of rat stew was coming from, she entertained both Velvel and his friend Schleppel to periodic pots of Genuan rodentanddemon gumbo or ragoût de rongeurs in the Quirmian manner.
One night, after a contented belch, Schleppel said, “Velvel, old mate, Penny would really fit in well with the gang at Biers. I know she isn’t old enough for Igor to serve beer to, but Captain Angua always orders fruit juice and the bar always has it. We could sneak her out over the wall where the bricks are loose and escort her there for introductions. After all, with both of us beside her no one in this city would dare lay a finger (tentacle, paw or other extremity) on her.”
ero
