Goodbye, Suzanna Loving Wives

Jack sat in his favorite chair and took another sip of his drink, late on Saturday morning. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee hung in the air as quiet music played in the background, but none of the ambiance raised his mood.

He’d expected to spend the holiday weekend in casual domestic comfort with his wife, but her sudden weekend getaway had left him without anything concrete to do. The house felt eerily quiet without Tabitha, as her idle chatter would fill the silence, a constant stream of consciousness with little meaning or value beyond announcing her presence, but he freely admitted he did the same; it was a shared love language of theirs. She would be returning on Monday evening; Until then, he was at a loose end.

His odd mood left him unsure of what to do with himself. He had no errands to run, no chores to complete, none of his usual hobbies or distractions felt suitable, he knew better than to indulge in day drinking, and he didn’t want to be sociable. Instead, he just sat and stared into space, occasionally taking another sip as his mind wandered, until the doorbell rang.

Opening the door, he was surprised to see his daughter waiting on his doorstep wearing a long black coat and a pensive expression. He had considered calling her, but he didn’t think a nineteenyearold college student would want a call from her father on a Saturday morning, so he decided to put it off until later in the afternoon. Anyway, she’d grown closer to Tabby than him for the last few years, almost friends instead of mother and daughter, while conversation between him and Suzanna had become increasingly awkward and distant. He braced himself for the new standard between them, an awkward distance he no longer knew how to bridge.

“Hi Dad,” she said with false warmth that didn’t reach her eyes.

“Hi, Suzie,” he responded, flatly adding “I wasn’t expecting you. Your Mom’s not here at the moment, but come on in,” and standing aside.

“Yeah, I know,” she said quietly as she stepped inside.

He considered the implication as he turned away. Of course she’d spoken to Tabby, just like almost every other day, and her sudden appearance, her purpose, was obvious. But was his daughter here as an ally, an intermediary, or as a flying monkey? Instead, he asked “Would you like a coffee?” as they moved through the hallway.

“Sure,” she replied from behind him as she kicked off her boots.

Tabitha had wanted a coffee pod machine, something tween Suzie had excitedly announced as ‘bougie,’ but Jack had pushed back a little, preferring the freedom of a normal drip coffee maker. In the end, he’d compromised on another little thing, and so he rifled through the cartons to find her favorite caramel macchiato and fired up the machine.

He braced himself as it started to hiss. “So… your Mom.”

The words hung in the air for what seemed like an eternity, both unsure exactly what to say.

“Yeah, Mom,” she eventually replied, glancing down at the floor momentarily, her hand rubbing the back of her neck as if trying to smooth away the discomfort. “I figured I’d see how you were doing.”

Jack wasn’t quite sure if her attitude was because of the raw awkwardness of the topic, or possibly secondhand embarrassment about what she’d heard, but after considering his response, he pushed on. “Not great,” he admitted, “It was…It was a lot. Brutal, even.”

“Um, she said you didn’t have much to say about it.”

“What’s to say?” he asked emotionlessly, loading the second pod into the machine. “She announced she was leaving with some gym rat, then rushed out the door with a suitcase. The whole thing took thirty seconds. I mean, she’s always been free to leave but after twenty plus years I kind’ve thought I’d get more warning than that.”

“Oh, oh, yeah, well, that’s not quite how she told it, but I mean, it’s not that bad! I mean, she’ll be back on Monday, right? It’s just a weekend trip, after all, you know, right?”

“It’s not ‘just a weekend trip.’ It’s not a couple of days in Vegas with an old pal or a night out with the girls. It’s three days sharing a bed, and her body, intimately, with another man. No matter how you dress that up, that’s kind of a big deal.”

“I guess it’s okay to be not happy about it, I suppose, but it’s not that bad. I mean, she’s not sneaking around behind your back. It’s not cheating, that’d be a killer, but she told you about it, and everyone’s allowed to be a little selfish once in a while,” Suzie paused, as if for effect, adding “She’ll be back soon, and things will be back exactly the way they were.” she said confidently, making a single decisive nod at the end, in a way that seemed almost childlike to Jack.

Nonplussed, he looked at her confident expression for a moment before saying “That’s one way to look at it, I suppose.”

“And I’m glad to see you’re handling it okay,” she added, with a small, gentle smile, “I was a bit worried you might be a bit upset, on the way over here. You can’t know how happy I am that you’re taking it this well!”

He shook his head slowly. “I’m really not okay,” he said, before asking “Do you know how to spot a tsunami?”

“What?” she asked in a raised tone, confused by the sudden tangent.

“The tide goes out, impossibly far, and… never mind. It’s a bad analogy. Anyway, I’m not feeling too great about things right now, and the more I think about it, the worse it is; Let’s put it that way.”

With a final sputter, the coffee machine finished its work. Jack studied it for a moment, wondering if Tabitha would keep it or if he’d have to dispose of it, before wordlessly handing the beverage to Suzie and casually heading back through to the lounge.

Jack shuffled to his chair and collapsed into it, before feeling his coffee mug, while Suzie entered the room, chattering to herself.

“…I mean if you think about it, it’s a good thing sort of a renewal. A way to shake things up and get new perspectives on things.”

The cup was still warm, he confirmed, as he watched her carefully perch on the couch, move a cork coaster slightly, and daintily place her drink in front of her.

Leaning forward, she asked, “Don’t you think so?”

“No, it’s over,” he said in a monotone, “It’s crossing a hard line. We’re done.”

“We’re done with what?” she asked blankly.

He looked her in the eyes, confused for a moment about the disconnect, and brushed his free hand against the corduroy fabric of the chair’s arm before clarifying, “The marriage. Our marriage.”

He watched as her eyes flared wide, stunned for a moment, before they narrowed and she said “What? No… That’s an overreaction, Dad. You’re just responding emotionally. Stressed out.” Her voice rising slightly again, she rapidly added “It’s just a few days, not a reason to throw anything away. Once you’ve got a little distance from the situation, you’ll think differently!”

Jack leaned back in the chair and looked up at the ceiling for a moment as he listened to Suzie actively try to dismiss his feelings, and sighed to himself, before leaning forward and taking another sip of his nowlukewarm coffee. Her eyes bored into him as she waited for him to speak again, the fake warmth of her smile plastered over worry this time.

“That’s the thing, darling. I’m not emotional. I’m going to be. I’m going to be very emotional, probably shortly after your Mom walks through the door on Monday night, but certainly sometime soon. I’m going to shatter like glass. But right now, right now I’m cold, I’m ice cold and I’m not feeling anything at all. But that means I can think, and I’ve thought about it; Analyzed the situation, both from an intellectual and an emotional standpoint, and everything points the same way.”

He scanned the room. Beige. Cream and tan and beige. Tabitha had gone to war against the very concept of color in the last few years. He missed the bright orange couch they’d had ten years ago. It was quirky, but that wasn’t a bad thing. They’d both liked it at the time. A harsh thought about the nature of compromise when there was no more middle ground passed through his mind, and he wondered who’d end up living this bland nightmare before he dismissed it for another time.

Looking back at her, his daughter’s mask had slipped again. Now, her face showed something new, and she looked hurt. He wished he could feel something for a moment, but there was nothing.

Instead, he tried to explain. “There’s basically three reasons. Any one of them is good enough. In fact, no reason is really needed to end a marriage, not really, but I’ve got at least three. The first and most obvious reason is that this is classic infidelity.”

“No! It’s not!” she replied hotly, “We went over this, she’s not cheating! She told you what she’s up to! Sure, it’s selfish, but it’s not cheating. There’s no sneaking around, she’s been honest with you!”

Jack smiled wryly. “I think you just want that to be true. If I tell your mother I’m going to hit her, does that make it okay to beat her up, or is it still domestic violence? If I shout ‘This is a stick up!’ before I pull out a gun, does that mean it’s not a bank robbery? How about this, if I tell a man I’m going to kill him, will I be found ‘not guilty’ of the murder, or will the sentence be worse due to premeditation? No, telling me doesn’t somehow make it okay. Not when I don’t have a choice. But okay, let’s presume you’re right, and it’s not cheating; I never said it was. I said it was infidelity. There’s a difference.”

She looked unhappy, and possibly a little confused. Actually, she looked very unhappy and was starting to look a little pale. Beige. He nearly laughed. She matched the decor.

“Every generation thinks it invented , but open relationships have existed forever, and the rules don’t change. She could have asked, and if I agreed then it’d be okay, but she didn’t. Fidelity, literally faithfulness, means sticking to the the arrangement. We both agreed to put each other first, or second at the very least, and Tabby’s put me third; She broke her oath, openly and casually, and that’s a straightforward and major betrayal.”

“No.” Suzie said quietly, “No. It’s just a weekend, Dad. She’s coming back. I mean, even if that’s right, you can forgive her, it’s just a few days, and…” she trailed off.

Jack watched her hands, gripping each other and twisting like snakes, in an act of selfsoothing, her white knuckles betraying the force hidden in the gesture.

“Don’t forget your coffee. It’ll get cold,” he said indifferently, remembering her sickly sweet prepackaged beverage. “Anyway, folks get confused about what a marriage is. They get hung up on the ceremony, the party, the outfits, and all the other junk. But the actual marriage is the solemn oath, and once it’s broken, it’s done. In a strict, technical sense, our marriage ended a while ago. All that remains is the paperwork.”

“Please. That’s not true, dad.” She replied, her tone low this time, “You can forgive her, it can be fine again.”

“Maybe I could, if it was a onetime thing, but it’s not. Like I said, infidelity isn’t a physical act; It’s a choice to break your word. If she got drunk, tripped, and fell on a dick, I think I could get over that. People make mistakes. In fact, yes, I could definitely put that behind me, as long as there was some sort of remorse, but this is a fullblown affair, and it’s been going on for a while.”

“What, no, it is, it’s a onetime thing! Mom would have told me, Dad. I mean think about it, she told you before she did it, didn’t she?”

“Did she?” he asked sadly, “Okay. Let’s run with that. Let’s say she hasn’t been screwing him for a while, let’s rule that out. We’ll say this isn’t a halfassed attempt to legitimize her affair before it gets back to me. We can do that, I suppose. I mean, why go away all weekend, just to rawdog on the stained mattress of a one bedroom bachelor pad that reeks sweat and dirty socks.”

Suzie reared back in disgust, shaking her head violently.

“Instead, it’ll be the full ‘girlfriend’ experience.” he shrugged, “That means it started with a crush; an intrusive thought that she didn’t resist, followed by a series of increasingly poor choices, flirting, lingering touches, all that.” he waved one hand in time to each phrase, emphasizing them. “Finally leading up to the booking of a hotel room, a reservation at a nice restaurant, maybe buying a dress and some lingerie, and lots of giggling and handholding in the runup to the main event. That’s not a sudden, singular decision; It takes time and organization. Your mother’s meticulously planned departure is the culmination of a monthslong affair, starting long before she walked out the door on Friday.”

“No dad, I said it’s not like that.”

“In the end though, it doesn’t matter either way, really. Tabitha gets ridden hard and put away wet, and her sleazy fuckboy gets a willing hole for the weekend. If either one of them cared much about the consequences, it wouldn’t be happening in the first place.”

She insisted, “Steve’s not like that,” her voice a little too firm, as if she was trying to convince herself instead of him. Jack found Suzie’s sudden flash of indignation and offense oddly adorable. “He’s nice, polite, and goodlooking, and… Just because he’s a personal trainer, doesn’t mean he’s not a gentleman.”

“He’s not that nice if he’s hitting on married clients at work,” Jack countered, noting how much Suzie knew about her mother’s paramour, “It’s unprofessional, for a start. And anyway, are you really sure they hadn’t done anything? We all want to look good in front of other people, Suzie. Do you really think your mother never massages the truth a little when she’s telling you about her day? Perhaps glossing over a few stolen moments of passion here and there, or failing to mention the slightly more scandalous details? Three days of prescheduled nonstop passion is an unusual way to consummate an affair.”

“No, you’re wrong. She didn’t. She wouldn’t. She said she wouldn’t. That’s why she told you, Dad, so it would be okay. She wasn’t meant to leave it so late, but she did it, that’s why I know she didn’t!”

Jack raised one eyebrow in response, before saying “Well, maybe you’re right, although that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. People tell a lot of lies, Suzanna, and they often tell them to themselves. ‘It’s not really cheating, it’s just a kiss.’ Did she tell you about their first stolen kiss? How about the sensation of his hand sliding into her panties?”

He watched Suzanna slowly shake her head slightly as she responded, “No…”

“Would she really tell her daughter about the first time she held it? Or took it in her mouth? I doubt it, because it’s easier to say ‘that doesn’t really count’ if you never say what ‘it’ is; As the lies keeps repeating, the line keeps moving, until it doesn’t really exist. Because the truth? Admitting the truth makes you a bad person. Either way, the betrayal began a long time ago.”

After a moment of silence, Jack added, “As did your part in them, apparently.”

He watched as her mouth slowly dropped open in horror, and one hand drifted upward to cover it in almost comical slow motion. Jack had to fight the urge to laugh again. No, not laugh giggle.

That couldn’t happen. Not yet.

He looked at Suzanna, posed like a stiff marionette, and said “Let’s not dwell on that. No. It’s too late, anyway.”

Jack sighed again. He’d been sighing a lot recently. On reflection, that was probably for the best. Better than the other options, at least for now. “Your mother no longer loves me,” he informed her.

She didn’t respond to that immediately, but he figured the emotional whiplash was probably a bit too exciting, so he waited.

In a very quiet voice, slightly muffled by the hand over her mouth, Suzanna eventually said “That’s not true. That’s not true.”

“I’m afraid it is. It’s crystal clear.”

“That’s not true.”

“Look, I’m not blind, and your mother is reasonably well put together; Attractive even, particularly for fortythree. She’ll have met countless horny idiots through the years who didn’t care she was married, so she could have stepped out on me at any time. For years, she pushed back when men tried to cross that boundary. She treasured our love, and didn’t want to jeopardize it. Now, she doesn’t.”

He paused for a moment, but Suzanna didn’t react. Actually, he wasn’t entirely sure she was listening, and her eyes looked a little unfocused, but he carried on.

“What Tabitha did yesterday, dropping such an obvious, hurtful bombshell and walking away? It was, as you said, selfish. No concern for my feelings, or how much I would be hurt. She knew what she was doing, and she didn’t care. It was an act of apathy, which is the polar opposite of love.”

“That’s not true,” she said robotically.

“Yes, it is. Anyway, as you go through life, you’ll find yourself pigeonholed by other people. We all do it. Best friend, lover, confidant, father, I’ve been all these things to your mother at one time or another. At some point, I guess I shifted from ‘lover’ to ‘father’ in her mind. You’re her confidant now, and once you moved out my ‘father’ role was over. Your pal ‘Steve’ is now apparently her lover. At this point, after the way I was treated yesterday, I’m pretty sure ‘best friend’ doesn’t fit, either. I guess I have no role at all. “

“That’s not true,” she said again. Jack could see her eyes were watery, and suspected she’d begun quietly weeping. If that got much worse, he’d have to stop and wait for her to calm down. He had a parental duty to fulfill after all. A final one, perhaps.

“Suddenly announcing you’re off for a wild weekend of , that’s something you do to a housemate; A convenient billsharer, an acquaintance, or at best, a casual friend. No, if she loved me, she’d sacrifice her wild fling to spare my feelings. She’d have stopped it before it even began. So, she doesn’t love me, and that’s that.”

That’s when the sobbing began. Suzanna said… well, she said something, but it wasn’t understandable, and Jack watched as she folded up on herself, almost fetal, and started rocking slightly.

It was odd, feeling nothing. It was as Suzanna was feeling a little slice of his pain for him instead; A curious sensation. He took another sip of his coffee, but it was cold now, and even more tasteless and unpleasant than before.

Still, he had time. Suzanna was likely to be useless for a while, based on what he was seeing, so he decided to make a fresh cup. Perhaps with extra sugar. It would be probably nice to taste something sweet today.

The mechanical actions of operating the junky pod machine were somewhat soothing, and the rhythmic shushing and gurgling noises it made felt comforting in the cool environment of the kitchen. Personally, he only used the fauxespresso pods, not really comprehending why people who don’t like coffee would buy coffee machines. Watching it do it’s thing gave him time to consider how he would approach the next thing, an unwelcome additional step, but what he apparently needed to say to her now. After one brief sip, he confirmed the extra sugar was a decent choice.

Suzanna seemed to have quieted down a little by the time he returned. She was still rocking slightly, but her body was no longer being wracked by each sob, so it looked like she had gotten herself under at least some semblance of control. Jack did note in passing that she didn’t look at him when he entered, but he hadn’t really expected her to.

Sitting back down, he finally said “It’s a bit disappointing to discover you were involved in all of this,” adding “That’ll be hard to forgive.”

“Dad…”

“It’ll be fine. I’ll get over it. Anyway, you’ve mostly shut me out of your life for the last few years, so you’ll barely notice the difference after a while.” he added, “After a couple of weeks, I’ll merely hate you. Six months, maybe a year, you’ll be dead to me, but after that, it’ll be fine. You might not care about your dad anymore, but you’ll always be… well, you’ll always have been my little girl. I’ll just pretend it’s still true.”

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