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Chapter 10
Bailey
Killian was quiet the entire drive from my apartment to my dad’s place. When he picked me up he seemed distant, like something had changed between us. I felt it too, though until now I believed it was onesidedthe way I felt more drawn and closer to him. It was like that for me though. always made me get attached and I had to fight not to catch feelings. This time was doubly hard because I wanted so badly to catch feelings before he even took me into that tack room. Now I was battling myself and what I knew would happen.
He, however, didn’t seem to be experiencing the same thing as me. While I was eager to hold his hand and lean in to smell his cologne, Killian was withdrawn. Not at all impolite or rude to me though. It was strange, like he was softened toward me the way intimacy can do, but distant, like he was purposefully keeping me at arm’s length. I didn’t understand it, but I didn’t question it.
We both swore to each other this was fake. I was exchanging my time and familial connection to Uncle Mike’s good graces so Kill would stay out of trouble with him, while Kill was here to offer his steady strength in the background and help my dad feel confident in me. And not to forget the cold hard cash, which slowly was becoming less and less important to me.
I’d have traded all the cash in the world to have a guy like Killian who was thoughtful and had the resources to care for me. I never asked him for that shelving unit he put together with my dad that day. He just saw I had a need and thought up a solution for me. And Dad even seemed to enjoy working on it, as if he was starting to see some potential in Killian too.
As we walked through the door at Dad’s, Killian hefted Sienna’s car seat. She was three weeks old now, and hungry literally all the time. She had a twoweek checkup and the doctor said it was normal so I believed her. Killian noticed it more than I did, but she was growing like a weed. I saw her all day every day, but with his infrequent visitsmostly to keep up appearances for Dad and Mike’s sakehe told me she was bigger or heavier.
I just knew carrying her car seat around was a pain in the ass so whenever possible I let him do it. This time, he was happy to join me for a family barbeque on Dad’s back patio. I expected it to be just the three of us, but when we walked through the back door onto the shaded deck, I saw Mike and Margret and their daughter Steffy, visiting from Nebraska where she moved to marry her high school sweetheart.
“The party has arrived!” Steffy jumped off her seat and rushed over to me. Three years my senior she was full of life and love and yet infertile. She and her husband were trying everything to conceive but still unable, and I felt guilty when I announced a onenighter knocked me up and I wasn’t even prepared for kids.
“Hey, Stef,” I said, hugging her before she quickly pulled away to take Sienna’s seat from Kill.
As soon as his hands were free, he had one on my back. It closed the awkward gap that had loomed between us for days, ever since we screwed at the fair. I didn’t mind it; in fact, it felt amazing to melt into his side and cling to him again. I missed this feeling and I’d been craving it.
Even Uncle Mike’s salty stare didn’t intimidate me. There was something healing about being close to Killian and feeling the warmth of his body against mine. He seemed to relax more too the instant we were connected and the distance between us was closed. So relaxed, I didn’t want to make him tense or push him away with any awkward words. So I bit back my real feelings and tried to pretendin Killian’s eyesthat it was no big deal, while really selling the intimacy to my family.
“Oh my god, she’s so precious,” Steffy cooed as she unstrapped Sienna and cradled her. Aunt Margret was there too, helping her daughter swaddle mine. They fussed over how adorable her outfit was, while Mike sipped a beer and stared at me.
“Kill picked that out,” I told them as Killian guided me toward the patio table and pulled out a chair.
“How noble of him…” Mike eyed Killian over the beer in his hand as he brought it to his mouth again and Dad set an open bottle in front of us.
“For you, Killian. I’m assuming you don’t mind a light beer. Us old men have to think about our waistline a little more than you young guys.” Dad chuckled and Killian nodded but said nothing. It wasn’t like him to be so quiet but again, I wasn’t pressing him. Something was off with him and I didn’t want him to be upset with me.
Not that it mattered. This was going to end awkwardly anyway, maybe badly, but for now I wanted to enjoy whatever it was. And even if my desire for his money to pay my bills had lessened, I still needed it. I was struggling to make ends meet before all this happened. Having Killian Welch’s pocket change would catapult me into financial stability.
Dad returned to the grill, to cook and I chatted with my aunt and cousin about Sienna’s habits and routines. Killian drank his beer and avoided conversation, though Dad and Mike tried to involve him in a manly debate about the relative blackness of meat in correlation to its doneness or edibility. Dad always leaned toward black is better while Mike was more of a rare meat kind of guy.
Things were going smoothly even as we ate our food and cracked jokes about Dad’s poor cooking. Killian started to lighten up a little and he even helped me get dessert from the fridge and serve it. It was easy to pretend we were happy, that we were a real couple and that my family supported and loved me. But the undercurrent of Killian’s distant behavior kept nagging at me, holding my head just below the surface of bliss where I struggled to fully let go of my pessimism.
“I think she’s getting a little fussy. Could she be hungry?” Steffy asked me, staring down at Sienna who had been on her lap for the entire meal.
Steffy’s long hair was tied behind her back but a few strands dangled in Sienna’s face. She whisked them away and when she did I could see Sienna rooting, turning her mouth to find my breast.
“It looks like she’s definitely hungry.” As I said the words, I felt my boobs throbbing. It never failed how easy it was to get my milk to let down these days. I reached for her and Steffy passed her across the table as Margret stood.
“Well you feed the baby, and I’ll clear the plates.” She started picking up dishes, and Mike bolted to his feet too.
“No dear, you sit, I’ll get them.” Before Aunt Margret could protest, he was scooping up plates, first his, then Killian’s. He collected Kill’s silverware and beer bottles too, overfilling his arms and bobbling things.
“You’re incorrigible,” Margret chided her husband and took an armful of dishes herself.
I settled Sienna on my lap and got her latched on to nurse, but I thought it was strange that Mike wanted to help. The men in my family never did anything to lift a finger and help after meals. Even when Dad hosted me himself, I always did the cleanup.
“So Killian, how are things going with your work?” Dad asked, finally settling in to enjoy a beer at the table with us. Even while eating he was bopping back and forth between the grill.
The sun was warm now, baking the patio despite the large shade tree that stretched its branches over us. Killian was visibly sweating, though I didn’t know if it was the heat or my dad’s question. He avoided this topic in conversation with me and I let him. I hated making him feel uncomfortable, but Dad didn’t seem to notice or care.
“Well, I… Uh, Dad pretty much runs things. I just…” He squirmed and took the second open beer Dad served him and slurped from it.
“Killian’s learning the ropes, Dad.” I interjected because I could see he was struggling. I gathered that Killian did nothing all day every day and that wasn’t the right answer to give my single parent who wanted to make sure I was cared for. It didn’t matter that he was a legit billionaire; Dad would want to see him working.
“I see, and how is that going? Your father manages dozens of properties around the city doesn’t. he?” Dad took a cool drink and narrowed his eyes on Killian’s face and now that the heat was off, Killian shone.
“Yeah, actually he owns over one hundred investment properties, but he doesn’t do any of the managing now. He outsources that to contractors who work for him. He’s only pulling the strings and living off the fat.” I’d heard him say that before about his Dad but never in such a positive tone.
I could tell Killian was trying to sell his happy family paradigm as hard as he was selling our happy relationship, except I knew his family wasn’t happy. It made my gut churn and a bit of discouragement creep in because if he was able to sell his relationship with his father as being positive to my dad, how easy was it to sell a facade to me about us and the way he felt about this arrangement.
“Which ones do you manage then?” Dad’s hardcore nosey attitude was frustrating. I felt like I had to save Killian from embarrassment since I knew he didn’t work on any of his father’s properties.
“Uh, I think she pooped.” I grimaced and nudged Killian with my foot under the table and he looked at me. “Can you go get the diaper bag and meet me in the living room?” The diaper bag was still in the back seat of his truck, which he’d taken to driving almost all the time now.
“Sure thing,” he gladly announced, standing and exiting the deck quickly. If I wasn’t mistaken I believed his expression was one of relief and I stood too. As soon as Kill was gone I huffed out a sigh and turned to my dad.
“Stop berating him, Dad. He’s already uncomfortable here because of the way you grilled him at my apartment and he’s trying. Just cut him some slack.” I could tell Dad was annoyed with my lecture but he smiled at me.
“Just making sure my baby girl is taken care of the way you care for your baby girl.” He winked at me and I walked off, leaving Steffy with her jaw hanging.
If we survived this family dinner, I promised myself I would avoid future events like this just for Kill’s sake. He deserved better. I knew it. He was trying and I could see that. Now I just hoped he wasn’t so annoyed with my father the way Dad was with me that he ran off and cut ties. I wasn’t ready for the charade to end yet. I needed him in my life a little longer, until I felt emotionally stable.
Chapter 11
Killian
Jake decided to host our weekly party this week when I told him I wasn’t feeling it. He insisted we couldn’t let the friend group down, that we were almost to “real adult age” and we had to make the most of our final few years of fun. I had no intention of attending until Bailey read a text over my shoulder while I was holding Sienna at her family barbeque and made a fuss about meeting my friends.
“I just don’t see what the big deal is,” she said, flipping her long hair over her shoulder and batting her eyes at me. The tiny interior of the Bentley had her sitting much closer to me than normal and she smelled incredible. It made me feel uncomfortably warm and horny, and at the same time, very protective and yet distant.
Tonight would only prove to both of us that this thing could never work. Jake would be Jake and pick on her and taunt her. The others would follow suit and she’d be hurt or humiliated and angry with me. I’d try to stand up for her but in this world, I was the ringleader. If I didn’t stay true to my personality and status, the others would just look to Jake to be their leader and while I was willing to debase myself and defend Bailey, Jake would never stoop to defending me. Not around these people. He’d apologize later, but he’d be the new “alpha,” just like a wolf pack whose leader gets challenged.
“You seem upset.” Bailey’s fingers curled and uncurled on her lap, like she was itching to hold my hand but wouldn’t reach out.
There were times I’d had the same thought, to reach across the center console and take her soft hand in mine and bring it to my lips to kiss it. But that would be leading her on, because I knew I couldn’t be with her. It would only destroy her emotionally or tear apart my entire friend group. I didn’t want either thing to happen, but the reality was, these people were my people and I was a fuck up. She deserved better than me.
“I’m not upset,” I grumbled. And I wasn’t. I was anticipating negative things tonight and not looking forward to the consequences of them.
“You sound upset.” She doubled down and that irritated me.
“You sound nosy.” The comment, something I’d say any day of the week, any hour of the day, slipped from my mouth and silenced her and I felt bad instantly. “Look, I just told you this was a bad idea, and I want to let you know ahead of time that if I’m a total asshole here it’s because I have a reputation to uphold.
“I’m like the leader of the pack and if I show any weakness when they give you shit, they’ll never respect me again. I don’t have a job or coworkers. I don’t have brothers or cousins like you. I have this group of humans who hang out and I don’t even like half of them. When you wake up and decide you’re done faking a relationship with me, they’re all I have left.”
I swallowed hard as she grew quiet and for a moment I thought I heard her crying. I felt bad for even explaining it to her that way but it was a hard truth and she needed to hear it. I could be a monster at times and I hated myself for that right now because I feared that would be the case tonight. I didn’t want her to see that side of me up close and personal.
“I understand, Kill, and I’ll be patient. Neither of us expected all of this to happen, and I know the real you. Deep down, you’re this amazing, caring, wonderful man who just hasn’t truly been seen or understood.” Bailey did the unthinkable, complimenting me and reaching across the console to take my hand.
I should have pulled away. I should have taken my hand back and not allowed her to get attached to me. I could handle it if I got attached to her and then she left. That wasn’t what I was worried about. I was already attached for that matter, but Bailey? She was too perfect, too pure. She didn’t deserve the heartbreak that was lining up to crash into her. But I couldn’t pull away. Her comfort of my heart when I confessed having this dark passenger made me feel whole.
“So when they start in, the best thing to do would just be to stay quiet and when you can’t take it anymore, just excuse yourself. I’ll follow you a little later and we can meet back at my car and”
“Stop,” she said softly. “I’m a big girl, Kill.” My god when she said my name it drove me insane with desire for her. Not just either, like closeness. I wanted to feel her next to me and in me, and around me and I wanted to know her. Like, share my soul with her in a way no words needed to be spoken but both of us were fully known and exposed.
“I just care about you.”
“Thank you,” she whispered and remained silent the rest of the drive.
I escorted her into Jake’s flat and started introductions. She was polite and quiet and the alcohol started to flow. It wasn’t long before Misty and Cara started their crap, comparing her to themselves and ragging on her wardrobe choices. I sensed Bailey trying to lean closer to me but I had to laugh at their jokes, which made her tense and lean away. When the jokes turned toward me, I directed them toward Jake, but he pointed them right back at Bailey and her cheeks turned bright red.
“I’ll, uh… I need to pee.” Bailey handed me her drink and instead of just letting her walk away hurt, I got pissed.
When she was out of earshot I set the glasses down on Jake’s table and glared at him as he laughed. “Look, you don’t have to like her, but you all are a bunch of douchebags. Bailey is an incredible woman and I won’t let you disrespect her anymore. You can say what you want about me, but if you ever talk to her or about her like that again, you can just lose my number.”
I fully expected them all to get snippy with me and roll their eyes. It was what they’d have done any other time, but Jake stood up and dropped his head. “I’m sorry man,” he said, shaking his head. The turn of his typical personality into this contrite person in front of me was shocking.
Misty and Cara both looked ashamed of themselves and Jake ran a hand through his hair. “We got carried away. That’s all.”
My status as head of this group actually meant something to them? I felt my pulse lowering slightly and realized Bailey was still upset and probably crying now. “I have to go make sure she’s okay and if she wants to come back out here you all need to apologize.”
I couldn’t believe what was happening, how my friends were still following my lead even when it meant our world colliding with the world of someone we’d typically judge or make fun of. I had completely underestimated my value in their eyes, or maybe I’d completely neglected to see that they were actually decent human beings. Maybe I was the douchebag for being the ringleader and always mocking “poor people.” Maybe I was the influence that made them that way and now I was seeing their true nature unfold and I was the idiot.
Leaving my confusion aside, I slipped away and found Bailey in the unlocked downstairs bathroom. She was seated on the toilet lid with her hands covering her face crying softly. The words the group said were every bit as hurtful as I feared they would be, but she was so determined not to let them get to her. She sat there like a champ taking it and I felt like a total jerk for letting it go on so long.
“Hey,” I said, walking in and shutting the door behind me.
“Hey,” she sniffled and reached for some toilet paper to dry her face.
“I told them off.” I crouched in front of her and rested my hands on her knees. If she went home with a tearstained face and Mike saw that when we picked up Sienna, I was in hot water. “I’m sorry I let that happen. I feel really”
“Don’t…” She held a finger to my lips and shook her head. “Just the fact that you’re here apologizing and feeling guilty is enough. They were rude and mean just like you warned me. I can handle it.” The sincerity in her eyes was comforting but I knew it was my fault.
I took her hand from my face and bent her fingers, then kissed her knuckles. “I need to say I’m sorry, Bailey, because you deserve so much better than that.”
“You told me I wouldn’t fit in your world and now I get it. You’re right.” She gestured with her hand in the general direction of the living room where I heard rowdy laughter again, probably at her expense. “They’re right. I can’t wear Coach and Louis Vuitton. Fuck I can’t even afford Walmart.” She smiled. “I just want to enjoy the night and get through this fuckedup arrangement. When my hospital bills are paid, you don’t have to put up with me anymore and you can go back to your hoity toity life without me.”
As much as that hurt, she was only telling me the truth, though part of me felt like she was saying that to give herself a pep talk. She swiped at more tears and then looked away shyly, and something about the moment was just too precious to let it slip by. I needed her, and I needed somehow to tell her how I was feeling. That I was falling for her, and though it would never work, I couldn’t stop my heart from barreling toward the trainwreck waiting for me.
“Wanna put Misty and Cara in their place?” I asked, though my guilty conscience knew this wasn’t the right move.
“How?” she asked, turning back to me? Her hazel eyes were brimming with curiosity.
“Well, I can fuck you really well and if you’re loud they’ll hear you. Both those women have been trying to get in my pants for years and I can’t stand them. It’ll piss them off that I want to fuck you and not them.” To the depths of my soul I wasn’t trying to hurt Bailey at all, or use her. I just had to be close to her, and I needed an excuse to do it.
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