…But the Chair was Fine Humor & Satire


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He’s been sat for the longest time, waiting for the person he was interviewing to turn up.

He’d interviewed plenty of people about this subject, and each one had a fascinating to tell. But this one was going to be very interesting. He knew very little about this woman, but what did know was she had a tale to tell.

He got out his recorder and ordered another coffee, and just then, a young, blonde, 5’3, pixie appeared in front of him. He was 6’1 and this type of girl was someone he always enjoyed being with. He enjoyed being able to throw them around the bedroom, and he smiled, thinking about Jane. She was similar to this woman.

“Hi, I’m so sorry for being late.” Her English accent hit his ears, and it wasn’t what he was expecting. “I got caught up. Did you get my message?”

He checked his phone, and there it was. He hadn’t thought to check while he was preparing his regular questions. He only had a few. He generally allowed the person to flow with their and get lost in it.

“Sorry, I missed your message, but it’s perfectly fine, it’s a pretty good view.” She looked taken aback by the New Orleans drawl. They were both aliens on this New York street. “Yes, I’m not local either.”

They eased as she placed her compact frame into the seat opposite.

They chatted about how come they were both in New York, he’d been doing several interviews in the area and she had been visiting and was in her final few days. She told him she found him through a podcast and then read some of his articles. She was intrigued and knew she had to tell her tale.

“OK, so I’m going to ask now, and once I’ve turned on the tape, just to ensure we have that answer on tape too, but are you ok with this being recorded?”

“Absolutely, my dear.”

“OK, I’ll turn on the tape.” It wasn’t a tape. It was just a recording on his phone, but he had this procedure for a while and always called it a tape. He hit record. “For the record, are you ok with this interview being recorded?”

She giggled, “Absolutely, my dear.”

He smiled, “OK, so we can keep you anonymous, or would you like to give your name?”

“Let’s go with Miss Lochs for now.”

“Could you spell that for the record, please, just so it’s correct when I write it up.”

“L O C H S. It’s Gaelic for Lake.”

“OK, thank you, Miss Lochs. Now, where does the take place? The UK?”

“No, I was in Germany, near the Black Forest, but it started in Stuttgart.”

“And what were you doing in Stuttgart?”

“I had been travelling but decided to stop and earn some money. I had a legal background and started some work for a firm out there. It was difficult with my rudimentary German, but it was mostly filing and organising.”

“What age were you and how long ago was this?”

“I was 25, and this was 3 years ago,”

“OK, and I assume you are comfortable talking about your and the ual aspect of it.”

“Yes, I’ve enjoyed your other stories and know this is one you’d love. It’s a tale of , families, fear, and escape.”

“OK, I am very intrigued. Are you ok to start?”

“Absolutely. As you know, we start in Stuttgart, and I was working for a local law firm. Owned by a man in his early 50s, Erich Tragen, he was tall. Taller than you even around 6’5, so he towered over me. Handsome, with a fully bald head and piercing eyes. And even when wearing a thick cotton shirt, you could see how big his shoulders were. He was stocky but strong. And he spoke in a deep and booming voice that when it hit my ears, sent a shiver up my spine, and a quiver elsewhere.” She let a rye smile touch her face as if remembering the feeling and continued.

“He spoke mostly German but knew my limits and tried his hardest to converse in both German and then translate to English if my face showed confusion. This man turned me on. He was certainly someone who could dominate me and tendered to have a salty attitude, but he always had a smile at the end, which really riled me.

It all came to a head one night, we were working late, I imagine you hear that a lot,” I nodded, “yeah, it must be common with the stories you have heard, but it’s so easy to be drawn in. However, we were together going over some details of this case, and there were 4 of us in the conference room. Working hard but Erich and I were picking over some of the statements and he was explaining some of the words used to me. But each time he did he would gaze at me. His dark eyes, sometimes black in appearance, bore into me, and boy oh boy was that voice and accent working it’s magic. Then, I felt his hand on my thigh and I almost exploded.”

She paused, and took a drink of the coffee she had ordered shortly after sitting, looked up again and spoke again, “when I looked at him again, he nodded towards the bathroom and headed to it, making his excuses in German but all I caught was the word break. I waited a moment and got up to “stretch my legs,” but I headed for the bathroom too. I was giddy and hoped I hadn’t misjudged, didn’t want to find him in a compromising position, but once I got through the door, he locked it, turned me against the wall and pulled at my skirt and pants putting them around my knees.”

Another sip, “Within moments, he was buried in me. He was rough, and I liked it. He just took me strong, powerful strokes, one hand on my mouth, the other on my shoulder, forcing me onto him. I couldn’t have him cum in me, so when he started to groan. I got to my knees and took him in my mouth. The taste of me was always exciting and combined with this throbbing cock covering my tongue with hot, salty cum it was very exciting.”

She seemed to try to contain herself, “yeah, that was an exciting one. We went straight back to work and the others barely lifted their heads from their work. We fucked on and off over the next few months but I don’t think anyone suspected. Except maybe one person.”

“Ok, is this where the other parts come in?” He asked.

“Oh, yes, we aren’t anywhere near the end yet. I’d say we are just at the end of the first act.”

“Really, WOW, this is a tale to tell.”

“Well, I don’t think I mentioned in my message about the fact I am bi. I’ve known for years since like 14 and I’ve experienced many different things, boys and girls, men and women. In fact, I lost my virginity to an older woman.”

She saw the shock on his face.

“Not when I was 14, I just knew I liked both then, but when I was 18 and she was 21 so not much older, but enough. By then, I’d sucked cock and tasted lots of pussy but nothing ever went inside me.”

He cleared his throat, “good I thought this was about to become a very different .”

She laughed, “Nope all above board and consensual.”

“OK, this is lovely to know but, why?”

“Oh, sorry, Harriet. While working for this law firm, I was in a bar one night and met Harriet. She was around 45 and only slightly taller than me, she was a beauty. The blackest hair I’d ever seen and natural. The odd hint of grey and the slightest wrinkling around the eyes, but other than that, immaculate.”

She blushed, “but the attraction was instant, I wanted to feel her plump lips on my body and her ample breasts pressed into me. And this was all before I spoke a word to her. When I did, she came back with the clearest of English accents, she was Oxford and had been over her 20 years, she’d met her husband, had a son and had a brilliant career as an English teacher at a University. She was what I aspired for, at 25 she had come to Germany, and now, at 25, I was here too. However I was a man a lot older than 30. But I didn’t tell her that.”

She brushed her lips as if remembering something fun. “We spoke about home, and she told me about memories of nights out, times when she had gotten into trouble and also about when she had enjoyed times with other women. It was a lot more taboo back then, but the danger of it was what made it so much fun. She felt like if she could go back, she wouldn’t, but the way it lit up her face, she was looking 25 again. I asked her about when she had last been with a woman, but it had been so long for her. A year of so before she met her husband. I asked why she was out that night, but she told me she and her husband had argued, and whenever this happened, she would come into the city and get a hotel room for a few nights.”

A bigger sip passed her lips, “we chatted a little more, and she kept buying me drinks and becoming very flirtatious with me. She was so sweet, I couldn’t get over the compliments, she loved my golden hair and blue eyes, she told me I reminded her of the dragon lady in that Thrones show. We talked long into the night, and by the time the bar was ready to close up, she had invited me up to her room. She took my hand, and we went to her room. She gently kissed me before we even got inside, and if my body continued to react that way. I knew she was going to have me cumming hard in no time at all.”

One last sip, “when we got to the bed, we were just a mass of limbs, clothes flying out from us and when 2 fingers entered me I gasp and my pussy clamped around them. Her thumb was in place on my clit but my hips were rocking like a ship at high sea. Her tongue teased my nipples and her pussy was humping on my thigh, I could feel the black coarse hair causing friction marks on my leg, but also the her juices were flowing. I’d never known someone this wet but I suppose 20+ years denying yourself was going to be a frustrating time. We continued , fingering, tonguing and tribbing. Orgasming over and over, resting and then going again. She tasted as sweet as she was. She was back to the stamina of a 20 year old but I knew that at 40+ women tend to get hornier so she was just getting her fill.”

“Fuck. Did you continue being with her or was it just Erich?”

“No, I didn’t really see her again, just the once but nothing happened, it was just before I left Germany.” She rose from her seat.

“Is that all?” I asked

“No, my dear, I’m going to get us water, still a ways to go just yet. And I’m drying up.”

When she came back I decided that I needed to go to the rest room, I hadn’t moved in ages and definitely needed a comfort break.

I came back, refreshed and less ually charged, the images in my head I needed to get some cold water on my face. While in the bathroom I realised I did not have my phone. I expected to get out and find her gone with the phone.

But there she was, and the phone.

“I stopped the recording. I didn’t want your battery running for no reason.” She told me.

“OK so now we are set, I’ll just save this and start a fresh one, ok.” He pressed record, “continuation of Miss Lochs interview. Please go ahead.”

“My pleasure, the last person I met was Bally, short for Baldur, apparently means princely. He was German but spoke very good English, in college and was 20, much closer to my age. We had a couple of days together but the moment I met him I knew I was gonna fall for him. Incredible features, beautiful blonde hair, standing around 6’1 and he was into all types of sports, Football mainly. European Football. He was slender but strong, abs on abs and the perfect arms to fall into.”

She smiled at the thought of his embrace but there was a sadness behind it now. “We did all sorts, hiking was my favourite, through the leafy black forest, during the autumn. When things were turning, and in my case turning upside down. And so each night for those few days we were together, we’d go to a cabin the family had out there when they were visiting the wilderness. It was so peaceful, he’d set up a fire each night and he’d make passionate love to me, he didn’t care that I was slightly older, he just wanted me for me. It was just right. Then my final night came, I didn’t know it would be but I had to leave.”

“What happened?”

“We had been out, hiking most of the afternoon, we got back and as tired as we were, I wanted to ride him, I needed his dick inside me. The man I loved, the man I thought could be the one. So with the fire ablaze and the flickering silhouette of my perfect tits bouncing up and down as I rode this perfect cock, filled the room. It was just right to tell him how I felt, and I opened my mouth to say, “I love you” when the door to the cabin opened. I jumped off and spun around. “Oh scheisse, Mutter, Vater.” He said at the shadowed faces heading our way. All I saw emerge was Erich and Harriet.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No,” she looked solemn, “the Targen’s. It was then i thought, I’d never asked, Harriet’s surname. And in the excitement of my time with Baldur, I’m not even sure he knew my surname, let alone me know his. The cabin had erupted in German shouting and I didn’t know what to do. There was lots of angry finger pointing my way and I feared for my safety. I was so embarrassed, and broken. I needed to run. So while the shouting continued, I dressed and snuck away. I got in the hire car I had and drove, I headed back to Stuttgart and picked up my things. I could no longer work at the law firm. I felt like a disgrace. I got back in my car and drove towards Strasbourg, towards France. I knew that by morning I would be heading up towards Calais and I’d be heading home.”

She sighed, laughed and said, “Enough?”

“Enough.” I stopped the recording and saved it. “Thank you. So much.”

“No, thank you, I look forward to seeing it.”

She stood, smiled, shook my hand and left.

As I headed l back. My mind was buzzing. I started to go through it again, but once I got to the bathroom break there was a message I had not been there for.

“Check the name, Targen. And check the Instagram link in my bio. This is all true, but this is the big reveal.”

And once I saw it, I couldn’t believe the words in front of me.

Google showed the translation as “Bear” and G. Lochs stood for Goldie.

Even her bio said, “My parents couldn’t help themselves, apparently.”

Was any of it true. Either way, it was a tale I had to tell.

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