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A Hardened Heart
Another long story. I can’t seem to write short or quickly. Or with much sex. Sorry. All characters having sex in this story are 18 years of age or older.
Chapter One: Patty Ann Bowers: middle and high school
When I was young, and especially in middle school in the early 1960’s, I dreamed of a magical prince coming to rescue me – to rescue me from myself. I was skinny, pale, no boobs, short, mousy brown hair, not very good at schoolwork. No redeeming qualities at all. Life wasn’t bad exactly. It just wasn’t good. My parents and I lived in Macon, Georgia, my whole life. Dad did something at a bank and Mom stayed home. They were okay parents; I mean they didn’t fuss at me to do better at school or to be more social, they just sort of left me alone. Since I was an only child and not very social, life was pretty lonely.
And life got even worse when I started high school in ninth grade. I had just turned 15 in 1964 when ninth grade started and I still had no breasts, nothing, nada. I could tell that having breasts does great things for a girl in high school. And not having breasts also does an amazing thing: it makes a girl invisible. That first day at Keokuk High School exactly six people spoke to me: five teachers when they called my name during roll call and the lunch lady who asked me, “peas or carrots,” when I was going through the lunch line. When I got off the bus that day after school I walked the two blocks to our house, went upstairs straight to my room and as soon as I shut the door behind me started crying.
The first three years of high school, freshman, sophomore, junior, didn’t change much from that first day. I got along, had a few people I said hi to, not really friends, more like substitutes for the friends I didn’t have. Grades were okay, actually pretty good. Since I didn’t socialize or play any sports, I had plenty of time to study. I had exactly two dates during those first three years: one date with a guy a year ahead of me. He asked me to go to a movie with him, and I said yes. It (the movie, him, the whole evening) was really boring, and that date got embarrassing some time later when I found out he had lost a bet and had to ask every one of the girls in my class out on a date. I certainly wish I had said no. The other date was with the cousin of one of the girls I said hi to. A cousin of hers was visiting from Michigan and she fixed us up. He was actually ok, and we had a good time: typical movie and then ice cream together. Of course, he returned to Michigan before we ever went out a second time. But I had enough of a good time that he was my fantasy friend when I discovered masturbation.
I had missed almost a year of school when I was 11, because of some infection that just wouldn’t clear up. Result was that I repeated fourth grade, which made me a year older than most of my classmates in high school. Maybe that is why I discovered sex later than most people. I don’t mean sex like actual sex with a real boy, or even a girl, god forbid, but just sex like playing with myself, and imagining actual sex.
Life changed for me at the end of my junior year. I think my mom, certainly not Daddy, finally noticed that my social life was pretty much nil, and I am sure she talked about it with her older sister, my Aunt Bea. Her real name was Beulah, but I couldn’t say that when I was little, so I always called her Aunt Bea. She lived on a farm in southeast Missouri, with her husband, Uncle Roy, and three boy cousins. We only saw them once every few years, so I didn’t really know her or my cousins. Anyway, about a week before school was over, Mom sat down with me in the kitchen and told me the plans for me for the upcoming summer. She never asked if I was okay with the plans, and I never objected. I had no job lined up, no summer school, no steady boyfriend, well, no boyfriend at all, no girls to hang out with, no plans at all really, so I was okay with her plan: to send me to Missouri for the summer.
I think Daddy didn’t have much to do with my trip to Missouri. He never even told me goodbye. The day after school finished, Mom and I drove up to the big Atlanta airport and she walked me to the gate from where Delta would fly to Memphis. We departed on time, the first time I had ever flown. It was pretty exciting, and then kind of boring, and then we landed. Aunt Bea met me at the gate, with one of my cousins.
“Patty Ann, I’m so happy to see you. You remember your cousin George.” My Aunt Bea was wrapping me up in a hug and talking at the same time. “Girl, you look like you need some fresh air and sunshine on a hardworking farm. Right, George?” I was dragged along toward baggage claim, with Aunt Bea taking all the time. She did stop to draw breath once and cousin George piped up.
“Patty Ann, you know my mom talks all the time. You’ll get used to it. We only get to talk when she has to breathe.”
“Now, George, that is just not true. You’ll have Patty Ann believin’ ….” And she was off again. George rolled his eyes, behind her back, and I got the giggles. Eventually, my bag came, and we headed out to their farm.
The next three months I busted my butt. At first, I was totally surprised. Aunt Bea and Uncle Roy expected me to work just like my boy cousins. And they all worked hard: getting up early every morning, feeding the cows and pigs and chickens before breakfast, and then doing the real work after breakfast. It’s still hard for me to believe, but Aunt Bea had a hand plow with two ropes tied to the front. George and I pulled the hand plow thru the truck garden with Aunt Bea guiding and pushing it from behind. Thank god George was strong enough to do most of the pulling. But even with that, I could barely eat supper before I fell asleep.
Their farm fed them most of what they ate, but the real work was growing soybeans. Uncle Roy and the two older boys worked the soybeans while George and I worked the truck garden with Aunt Bea and helped with the feed animals: the chickens, two cows and two pigs. For the first few weeks, I went to bed every night right after supper, too tired to play cards or watch TV or do anything except go to sleep. After a while I did get used to the hard work and spent some evenings after supper playing cards with my cousins. Thank god we didn’t play for money. I think they were all card sharks. But it was fun, and I did learn to play poker and hearts and some other card games. They all seemed to like playing cards with me, I thought because they could all beat me. But Aunt Bea had a different idea.
One evening she asked me to stay downstairs and talk with her as we were all just about to head upstairs to bed.
“Patty Ann,” she said, “I think you are doing real well here. You’re a hard worker and you’re getting along just fine with your cousins. Next week is the Fourth of July and the town has a celebration that we all go to every year. Fireworks and good barbecue and dancing in the town square. I think you’ll have a good time, but we need to get you some new clothes.” I looked down at myself and thought about getting new clothes. Standard uniform on the farm was t-shirt and shorts, and that’s what I had been wearing for about a month. I realized the t-shirt I was wearing had worn a little thin and then I realized I had nipples. Nipples!!! And as I looked down at myself the nipples seemed to pop out a little more. And those nipples were perched on top of breasts. I mean, actual breasts. Not big ones, but real breasts that actually had some shape. I looked up at Aunt Bea and tried to say something, but she pressed ahead.
“Patty Ann, not to embarrass you, but I think your cousins like to play cards with you partly because they like to play cards with you but also because they like to look at you. And that’s okay. I mean, boys like to look at pretty girls, and you are a very pretty girl, and getting prettier every day.” I didn’t know what to say, but that was okay because Aunt Bea just kept talking.
“For the Fourth of July party and also for wearing here on the farm, we need to get you some new clothes. So, tomorrow, you and I are going to town to go shopping. We’ll get you some new shorts and t-shirts, and also some bras and a dress or two.” I was still speechless as I struggled to understand what she was saying. I did manage to say thank you, and then rushed upstairs to my room. I stripped off my clothes to look at myself. My god, I wasn’t really myself anymore. I mean, I had breasts, little ones, but real, and a waist, and my hips had grown, and when I looked in the mirror at my butt it was sticking out. It was like magic. A month of working on the farm and I didn’t look like a stick anymore. I looked like a real girl. I fell asleep that night with a big smile on my face. And the smile got bigger the next day.
At breakfast, Aunt Bea announced she and I were going shopping. That meant I got a day off from work and George and the other cousins didn’t. George started to complain, but a stern look from his mom cut off his complaint. I tried not to smile, but I couldn’t help it. After cleaning up the breakfast dishes, Aunt Bea and I drove to town, to a department store, and my smile got even bigger.
We started in the Ladies Intimates section. My mom had always bought my bras for me, and they were always training bras because, I have to say, I didn’t really need them. But now, the nice sales lady held a tape measure around my chest.
“I’d say 34A, but you’re what, honey? 15? And growing like a weed I expect.”
“Uhh, I’m 17, and I’ll be 18 in August.”
“Well, I expect you’re a late bloomer,” she said to me and Aunt Beath both. “Let’s go with a 34B and I expect you’ll grow into it before summer’s over.” I didn’t have a clue, but Aunt Bea agreed, and we picked out three bras, two plain white ones and one with little flowers on it. They sent me into a dressing room to put one on, and I picked the flowered one. After I put it on, I realized my t-shirt kind of showed thru it. I called out to Aunt Bea for some help. She bustled into the dressing room and immediately saw the problem. She held up one finger and bustled right back out. A few minutes later she returned with a blouse and a pair of shorts.
“Let’s get you out of those old clothes, honey. That t-shirt’s too thin even for a rag, and you outgrew those shorts a few inches ago.” I looked back in the mirror, and I could see my cheeks peeking out of the bottom of my shorts – my butt cheeks. God, that was so embarrassing – my boy cousins had been looking at me looking like that. They probably thought I was trying to flash them. Aunt Bea must have seen the look on my face.
“Honey, don’t you worry now. Here, put these on,” she said, holding out the new blouse and shorts. “Then we’ll do a little shopping.”
And we did. I wondered if Uncle Roy would be mad. We bought panties, more shorts, two dresses and two pairs of shoes, one pair with high heels. I never learned how much she spent, but I’ll love her forever for what she did for me. The spending wasn’t even over after the dresses. We stopped at the cosmetics counter where a beautiful lady experimented on my face. She would apply makeup and lipstick and then wipe them off and do it again with different kinds. She and Aunt Bea went on and on talking about my skin like a science experiment. Finally, the lady held up a mirror for me to look at.
“What do you think?” she asked. I looked at myself in the mirror and burst into tears. The face was beautiful, the lips a perfect shade of red. I looked at the lady and Aunt Bea.
“How …? I mean, what …?”
“Honey, you have always been beautiful,” said Aunt Bea. “You just needed a little help to bring it out. And we’re not done yet. Next week we’re going to get your hair done at the beauty parlor. You’ll be the best-looking girl in town.” The cosmetics lady spent some more time showing me how to apply the makeup and how to put the lipstick just on my lips. Not the easiest thing to do until you practice a lot.
Finally, Aunt Bea and I headed out to the family truck to go home. I was exhausted, but I had more thing to do.
“Aunt Bea, I don’t know how much money all this cost today, but I’m going to ….”
“Now you just hush, Patty Ann. You think with a husband and four farm boys that I ever get to do girl shopping? I always wanted a little girl to spoil and buy cute girl things for. This summer you are that little girl. Well, not so little anymore. I swear, you’ll be turning lots of heads at the Fourth of July celebration.
Aunt Bea did take me the beauty parlor the next week. My mom had never taken me to get my hair fixed, so I didn’t know what to expect. The beauty parlor turned out to be sort of a replay of the cosmetics counter. Aunt Bea and two beauty parlor ladies talked about my hair and pulled it this way and that, kind of like petting a dog’s fur. They talked about different styles and ‘looks.’ Finally, one of the ladies started whacking at my hair and I almost screamed. They all laughed and told me to calm down. Thirty minutes later, I did the same mirror look as at the cosmetics counter. Only this time I didn’t cry. I did study myself pretty carefully. I had to admit, I looked pretty good. The ladies and Aunt Bea all approved too.
When we got back home, I went to my room and locked the door. Then I took off all my clothes and studied myself. My body really was different. I had breasts, I had hips, I had a waist. Could I say, “I’m finally a woman?” Maybe. But I needed someone other than Aunt Bea and the mirror to really make me believe that. The Fourth of July celebration helped a lot.
The evening of the Fourth we all went to town. I was squeezed between Uncle Roy and Aunt Bea in the cab of the pickup, and the boys were all in the bed. They didn’t seem to mind; they were really excited, and I was too, and a little nervous too. Aunt Bea kept telling me how nice I looked in my new dress and high heels. Okay, not really high, maybe two inches, but higher heels than I had ever worn. I had practiced wearing them, but only in my room, so I was nervous about walking around in them. We had also practiced dancing and that made me really nervous. The boys had taken turns dancing with Aunt Bea and me. She kept saying we all looked good. Uncle Roy just rolled his eyes. Whatever, when we arrived at the celebration the boys all took off even before Aunt Bea and I got out of the truck.
Before she walked off with Uncle Roy, Aunt Bea told me to go to the bandstand. Someone was sure to ask me to dance, she said, and I should just enjoy the dancing. She and Uncle Roy would find me at the bandstand in a little while. But, she emphasized, I should stay right there. I should not go off with anyone, boy or girl. I promised I would stay near the bandstand and keep a lookout for her and Uncle Roy.
I walked over to the bandstand and, sure enough, a boy asked me to dance. It was fun dancing with him, and then another boy asked me, and then another boy. I was loving it, and getting out of breath when Aunt Bea walked up with yet another boy. She introduced us: his name was Doug Smathers, a rising senior at the local high school and a friend of one of my cousins. He took care of me the rest of the evening: dancing with me, getting me something to eat, watching the fireworks and, maybe best of all, kissing me in the darkness. I liked the kissing, a lot, but I got a little nervous when he started moving his hand up and down my thigh. Luckily, at least I think luckily, one of my cousins started yelling for me when the fireworks ended. I gave Doug one last kiss goodbye and headed back to the family pickup truck.
The next day, the cousins tried to tease me about Doug and dancing, but I was floating a bit, and it didn’t bother me much. The day after that Doug called and we did go out a few more times. I was ready for more excitement, and we did do more kissing. But he just wasn’t as exciting as that first night. I hoped one of the other boys I had danced with would call, but George told me that Doug had scared them off. I wasn’t too disappointed, partly because Aunt Bea promised to take me shopping once more before I flew back to Georgia at the end of the summer.
Sure enough, we went back to the same department store and the same “intimates” lady waited on us again. This time she measured me as what she called a B+.
“Not quite a C, but those titties have sure grown this summer,” she said. This time I wasn’t even embarrassed. We bought more bras and panties and two more dresses, both of them above-the-knee in length. I asked Aunt Bea if she thought my mom would be okay with the length
“Patty Ann, you tell your mom to call me if she has anything to say about what I’m buying for you. I’m pretty sure I can straighten her out.”
Maybe I shouldn’t have been, but I was totally surprised when Aunt Bea brought out a birthday cake on August 2, my eighteenth birthday. My cousins all sang happy birthday and then ate almost all the cake. I did get some, and went to bed that night full and happy.
The summer finally ended, and I knew I was different: tanned, taller, stronger, a real figure with B+ breasts, and I was really happy with that. Mom picked me up at the Atlanta airport and I could feel her staring at me on the way home to Macon. I talked a lot about the summer and Aunt Bea and my cousins. I think my mom didn’t quite know what to think about me, but that was okay because I knew what to think: I was a new person, a woman, finally.
The first day of school I took longer to get ready than I ever had before. I changed my dress twice, kept playing with my makeup, finally went downstairs to find I had missed the bus. I had never missed the bus before. I wondered what kind of omen that might be for my senior year in high school. Mom wasn’t happy, but she drove me to school, and I got there earlier than if I had ridden the bus with all its stops and meanderings. I walked into what is called senior hall, where the seniors have their lockers. I was standing in front of my locker, with the door open, arranging things when my life changed.
I heard the locker next to mine rattle as someone opened it. I shut the door to my locker and turned to see who my neighbor was. He was black, I mean black, really black. He was so black he seemed to absorb all the light in the hall and then when he smiled at me all that light came flooding out of his face. Teeth so white they were shining, eyes black and, I can still remember this: his eyes seemed to envelope me, they held me so I couldn’t move; I could only stare at him.
“Hi, I’m Robert Peterson.”
I swear, I could not remember my name. I made a couple of uh, uh sounds and finally got out, “Uh, hi, I’m Patty Bowers.” I decided right then that I was done with “Patty Ann’; I was going to be ‘Patty’ from then on. And then I was able to speak again. “You must be new this year. I mean, I don’t remember seeing you before.”
“Yeah, I’m really here just to play football, and maybe run a little track in the spring. I want to get recruited by a good football college, and Keokuk High gives me a better chance than my little school in south Georgia.”
“Uh, yeah, Keokuk usually has one of the best football teams in the whole state.”
“Yep, and I’m going to make it even better this year. I just need to make sure I get grades good enough to play here and get into a good football school for college.” We talked a bit more, about his courses and the teachers. When the five-minute bell rang, I offered to show him where his first class was, partly because I was in the same class and partly because I wanted to keep talking to him, like forever. On the way to first period, we figured out that we shared three classes, so I figured I would get to spend a lot of time with him. Lunchtime looked like I might be out of luck, though.
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